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On the home front: Supporting parents of military familes during deployment
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Military parents need extra support during deployments
Virginia has many military bases with many military families. The greater Richmond area is home to the Army's Fort Lee and several other military home-fronts. As word of more deployments make the news locally, the question of how to support a parent whose spouse has just left for a lengthy military deployment often comes to the forefront.
While military spouses are familiar with what to expect, for the most part, they still need to know on whom they can count when troubles arise. Deployments are hard for both parents and their children.
The first thing to know about military spouses is that they do not and usually will not discuss details of what their spouse is doing. It is helpful not to ask because it puts them in a potentially uncomfortable position. Keeping their spouses mission "off the record" is something military spouses do to keep their husbands or wifes safe.
Second, military spouses will not discuss potential danger and risks related to the service member's job. In reality, a survival tactic for most military spouses is a healthy dose of denial. This is what keeps them functioning and not collapsing under the pressure. Because the risks of military professions are most prominent during deployments, it is a time when military spouses put their nose to the grind stone, put their blinders on, and focus on getting through each day. Staying positive can be a challenge when the stakes seem so high.
Third, military spouses are usually instructed not to watch the news, so don't call him/her to ask about a story you might have heard on the news. Military spouses will be advised directly is something has happened, but asking him/her for information that he/she does not have only adds to the day to day stress of the situation.
These three rules also apply to the children of these families. Although the children usually don't talk about their deployment worries, civilians should be aware that this does not mean they are not worried or sad. Well meaning inquiries can be hard on everyone.
So what can you do to support a military family? Here is a list of ideas.
- If your neighbor is deployed, occasionally mowing his/her lawn (without asking first) is a very helpful thing to do.
- If you notice that the trash cans have been at the curb past the pick-up day, drag them to their storage point. If there are small children in the family, the parent's hands are usually more than full and these tasks are very low on the list of priorities.
- Offer to have the kids over to play or to babysit on a regular basis. Free time during the stress of deployment really helps a parent recharge.
- Bring a meal to the family. An occasional break from cooking is always appreciated. You can cook an extra portion and take it over.
- If you can, let the parent know if they can call on you in a pinch, such as a middle of the night ER trip. It never fails that when mommy or daddy is deployed, the car breaks down, a water main bursts, or whatever seasonal illness is in town makes a visit at 3 am. Early on in deployments these little catastrophes can be terribly overwhelming.
- If you are heading to the grocery store, occasionally ask if the parent needs anything. If their spouse is not there to call on the way home from work, these little offers can really help out.
- Be supportive of the children as well. Kick the ball around or play a ball game to let them know there are lots of supportive influences in their lives. If the children need someone to talk to, it can help to know you are there.
Finally, remember military spouses are very capable and do not usually like to ask for help. If you want to offer some support, don't ask if you can. Just tell them that you are going to do something and let them know when. This makes it impossible to say, "no".
For more info:
Operation Homefront for military family support
National Military Family Association for information military families
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