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Go Ask Your Mother: My dirty teen
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Above: A family favorite by Erik Jon Slangerup
Help! My sweet little baby boy has turned into a stinky teen. And I don't mean that his attitude stinks. I mean he refuses to bathe. And it's not just his smell. His teeth are about to sprout mushrooms, and his hair looks like he styled it with Crisco! I can barely stand to be in the same room with him. He's almost fourteen. Why is he acting like this? And what can I do?
Oh dear. I could have written this myself a couple of months ago, but for me it went on for years. I rationalized it as physical development taking over intellectual maturity. I assumed that his peers would apply some relevant pressure. I hoped that he'd change once he discovered girls. It was all in vain, though -- he continued to grow; his friends made rude comments, and a couple of girlfriends came and went, all without any change. Now, though, it's different: I still have to remind him to wash, and he still grumbles about it, but he goes into the bathroom and comes out clean.
I wish I could tell you exactly what happened. I was thinking that even the grubbiest Peter Pan has to grow up eventually, but then, I've known some pretty skanky men. So how do you ensure that your son learns how to be a hygienic grown-up?
For one thing, I think it's important to emphasize that good grooming is, among other things, a courtesy to the people around us. A teen boy may not care if he smells like a grizzly in rut, but it's not okay to inflict his malodiferousness on everyone else. After that, see what you can do to make showers more pleasant. Maybe he isn't a morning person, and would rather shower at night. Or maybe he'd enjoy a bath instead. Also, let him pick out his own products -- toothpaste, shampoo, etc. You might roll your eyes at at the Axe Brand Anxious-Masculinity Body Wash, but no matter how much it reeks, it's far better than skunky armpit.
Which brings me to my last point: There's a commercial running right now where a mother recoils at the stench of her teen son's room, and hoses it down with an air spray. It's really gross, but at the same time, it's realistic. There's a reason that body sprays like Axe are so migraine-inducingly noxious. They have to cover up a really big smell.
So. Keep up the regimen of nagging him, and make sure he isn't finding a way to slither around it. (And feel free to snarkily offer to oversee his shower, scrub his hair for him, and apply the toothbrush yourself since he seems to be struggling so much with it.) In the meantime, invest in a body spray he really likes, an airspray to help in his bedroom, and invest in a stash of bandannas and hats, because as much as I have said "A hat is not an acceptable substitute for hygiene!" so often around here that it's become something of a catchphrase, at some point you have to take a deep calming breath (through your mouth) and have faith that your filthy teen will someday be an impeccably groomed twenty-something who won't need to rely on his mommy's prompting any more.
Go Ask Your Mother is a new feature which runs every Monday and Friday in this spot.
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