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Marriage and divorce rude awakening #4: Co-parenting doesn't usually get easier after separation
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If parenting was a challenge for a couple during their marriage, there's little reason to believe that, in the event of a divorce, co-parenting will be any better. If anything, it's likely to be harder.
Yet, people are constantly taken by surprise and let down when their ex-spouse doesn't measure up.
Mark's wife, Ann, was a distant mother to their three boys when they lived together in that she never attended any of their school or sporting events. She was not very affectionate and she didn't help them with their daily activities such as homework, bath and bedtime. Mark took care of all of his boy's needs in this regard.
When they split, Ann was actually less involved with the boys than she had ever been. They hardly saw her and it was not only hard on them, but Mark suffered as well. He had the burden of caring for them 99% of the time, and he felt very sad that his boys weren't getting "proper mothering," as he called it.
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Jodi gave her husband every chance in the book to step up while they were together but he just wasn't capable. Len would offer to do something to take care of their daughter, then fail to follow through every single time.
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In both of these cases, the higher functioning parent expected that the lower functioning parent would be able to co-parent because the court mandated that they have a certain amount of custody. In both cases, the lower functioning parent didn't pick up their share of the co-parenting slack (even when their share was a fraction of what the other had). In both cases, there was an element of surprise (despite plenty of history of let down) and disappointment and both cases needed some post-divorce intervention.
What we found out through the co-parenting counseling was that, in the first scenario, Ann finally got honest with told Mark and told him that she was not interested in being a parent: she was on a career path and she didn't want to be involved in "all the male activities."
Len's story was one of low self-esteem: he felt he had nothing to offer his daughter so, despite a true desire to see her, he was afraid do things with her.
While there are always exceptions to this rule, generally speaking, the rude awakening in divorce is that, if you have a particular parenting problem during the marriage, you will have the same problems to the same degree - or worse - when you divorce.
If you are contemplating divorce and thinking that shared parenthood will be easier "on the other side," think again.
I'm not suggesting that you should stay in a marriage that isn't working, but I do think it's important to make the monumental choice to divorce with your eyes open and with support systems (child care help, therapists, friends, your kid's friend's parents) in place.
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