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Dating and what not to say to a working mom

My last two blogs were about dating and money. Specifically, how to assess the “foo” (Financial Utility) of the people we are going out with. Suffice it to say that we are NOT what we earn unless we have no financial obligations to other people whatsoever. Which also brings up the point of how we TALK about those financial burdens, or whatever we want to call them.    

 

Lots of divorced people have to pay up to two-thirds of their earnings to someone else every month. This might be a drag, but then again, no one made you marry them, or procreate with them in the first place. That was your own doing. So try to own up to that. Some of these (real life) examples may offend, but they shouldn’t, because for unfathomable reasons, they are repeated all the time.   

 

The following advice is targeted at men, but the same could certainly apply to women (consider the Anne Heche story; she'd want to follow the same rules when dating a working dad, which would be a new thing for her). 

 

Guys, here are some things you should never say if you want to succeed at dating a working woman:  

 

1.)    Never tell the object of your affections, if she is a working mother, that you and your ex, “did the right thing” by having your ex-wife stay at home. This is a complete insult, implying that your date’s decision to continue working was “the wrong thing”. And in case it’s not obvious, if you two get together, her decision to work is something you will gain from financially. Heaven help you (God knows I can’t) if you incur the wrath of a working mom by implying that she was being “selfish” during those years when she was so exhausted between family and work priorities that her whole life became one sleepless, spit-up filled blur.

 

Suggested alternative: explain it just about any other way. Say your ex didn’t have a job at the time; you didn’t think she could handle the stress of juggling both (this is mildly flattering to the woman you’re currently wooing); you liked having a warm meal when you got home or even that you couldn’t have accomplished so much if you had worried about who was with your kids. ADMIT that you actually benefitted from the situation too, even though you’ve probably overpaid for it and still will be for a long time yet. A little contrition here goes a long way.

  

2.)    Do not make insulting comments that imply that women always “screw” men over financially in divorce and that women always benefit. If your date is a career woman, she will know plenty of situations where it went the other way (Madonna, etc.). If the problem is that you are still so bitter about your ex-wife that you assume all women are awful, you shouldn’t be dating. Or try dating men instead. You will quickly find that people are people. How about taking some responsibility and choosing better next time? Plus, finding a woman who derives pleasure from you trashing your ex is a great way to pick yet another woman who isn’t very nice. 

 

3.)    Whatever you do, don’t provide dopey “guy” reasons for why you stayed married to a psycho for so long. Many men can’t help bragging about the ex-wife they will be supporting for the next decade. They will say how great her golf game was (so wouldn’t ours be if all we did was golf when the kids were in school), how she cooked like a chef, danced like a queen and was great in bed. It’s annoying to hear that you admire all these things (most of which can be hired out, incidentally) which we won’t have time to excel at (except the last one, heh-heh) because we have been -- that's right! -- WORKING. But the very worst “guy” excuse is this: “she was just SO beautiful I couldn’t help myself.” I PROMISE YOU that while your guy friends may forgive you this and still not think you’re shallow, women will not. Using a woman’s beauty as an excuse to forgo judgment isn’t much different than using it as an excuse to cheat. Plus working women believe they have a lot more to bring to the table than their perfectly painted toes, so if you tell them that is all you value, they’re likely to look elsewhere. Back to the point above; if you MUST come up with a rationalization beyond failed love or youthful stupidity (I’d personally stick with those), go ahead and admit that you were once vain and vapid enough to believe that having a pretty (not compassionate, spiritual, intelligent or competent) woman somehow made you superior. This is pathetic, but at least understandable.  (For men who don’t know it yet, women are much less enamored of pure beauty for beauty’s sake.)

 

Men, if this sounds harsh, try to imagine how you would feel if we justified OUR marriage to a man we claim is crazy and who is currently sucking us dry financially by saying, “he was just SO incredible in bed I never came to my senses” or, “he just had so damn much money I just never stopped to think about whether I really loved him before he went bankrupt”. Sounds pretty deep, eh?          

 

My suggestion is that we all try to be a tad more humble about the the stupid choices we’ve ALL made in our lifetimes. It also wouldn't hurt to put a damper on the rampant rationalizations just so we don’t completely insult our dates.  

 

Cheers & thanks for reading,

cj

ps: here a link with advice on dating single moms which was interesting, especially the diversity of comments:  http://blogs.orlandosentinel.com/features_momsatwork/2009/06/single-mom-dating-tips.html