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Where is the passion?
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Don't let this be you and your lover in the bedroom.
Here is a question recently received from a reader seeking advice:
What do you do when the passion in your relationship goes out the window?
Relationships -- especially long-term relationships -- go through stages. The first initial stage, a/k/a the "crazy for you and full of date high" stage, is fueled by infatuation, attraction, and lust. If you make it to the next stage, which is the "I am getting to know you and maybe building a relationship" stage, you settle in as you build history as a couple. The third, which is the "I want to live happily ever after with you" stage is the marriage stage. This quickly turns into the fourth "OMG we have children whadda we do now" stage, and is generally when couples notice that passion has, well, diminished. The fifth stage is the "golden mature couple era," but we don't need to go there now.
Unfortunately, boredom is common in most areas of life: work, friendships, hobbies, exercising, relationships and, sadly, sex. It presents many problems, especially if it gets the better of you . It can reverberate and cause repercussions in relationships, and make you and your lover want each other less or, frankly, not at all. Or worse, maybe you will want -- and take -- another lover.
Boredom often happens for a myriad of reasons: you love someone else, you are in the wrong relationship, you married too quickly, you find or reconnect with someone that you have more in common with, you fantasize about another lover, you are a little too comfy in your relationship, or <insert your reason here>.
A German study attempted to provide an explanation for diminished passion in relationships. It is not the beat all, get all, of explanations and, apparently, a "woman's libido starts to wane when she feels sure she has got her man." It also found that "men maintain a high sex drive to ensure he is not cuckolded by another," and that "a woman's chief concern is establishing a secure future for herself and her kids." Further, "after years in a relationship, many women say they want to make love regularly. In contrast, men's sexual desire remains just as strong regardless of how long they have been with their partner." The study also found that "nearly two-thirds of those aged 30 wanted sex often early in their relationship, but had dropped to half after only 4 years. More than 7 out of 10 women (age 40ish) in a relationship for only one year wanted to frequently make love. But after 25 years, this fell to 1 in 5 women. The sex drive among men fell only slightly during the same timeframe." (Hamburg-Eppendorf University Study; Journal of Human Nature. April 2007.)
Of course, this technical mumbo jumbo reasoning doesn't make you feel any better, nor does it answer your question. Right? So, what to do?
Is it possible to keep passion, romance, excitement and sexual intensity alive through a years-old relationship, or are we doomed to settle for a friendly (or not so friendly) brother/sister or roommate existence? I believe it is absolutely possible (and will not settle for anything less than a full, unbridled OMG-I-crave-lust-want-you-every-day-three-times-a-day-relationship with my man). If you do not share this sentiment <perhaps therein lies your problem?>, here are some tips to help keep the passion going:
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Qualities. Remember the things that made you fall in love in the first place.
<You're on your own here.>
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Kindness. Isn't it surprising when you witness others meanly grouching at or being rude to their partners, kids, family, or friends? <It always surprises me!> People take for granted those closest to them. A smile, a wink, or a moment of kindness goes a long way. Don't believe me? Flash your best smile to a stranger <but choose your stranger carefully>, or share a wink across a crowded room with your lover. Enjoy the response.
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Appreciation. Sometimes little things make big statements, so be demonstrative. It will make your lover feel good and appreciated.
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Desires. If you see your lover as the sexy hottie you first met, make sure to share that knowledge however you can. Don't let pillow talk consist of just money or work issues, the kids, etc. Talk about what you admire about him/her, why you think he/she is so great or sexy, or whatever, or simply make him/her laugh. For example, an extremely attractive, sexy man recently told my close friend that she is beautiful and sexy, and that her charms were plentiful and powerful. When she expressed surprise, he simply said that she obviously didn't hear it often enough. Then he proceeded to ensure that they spent a most beautiful evening together. She needed no further convincing. <W
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Assumptions. No matter how well you know or think you know someone, never assume that you do. Never assume that the other did something, or said something, or even thought something. It can destroy your relationship. And you. For example, a colleague thought she received information from her lover that he no longer wanted their relationship. She was so devastated that she could not bring herself to ever speak to him again. She learned years later that she -- and he -- had been grossly deceived. Their split dictated the course of their lives and they still long for one another after many years. It is a long road back to each other, and neither knows if it will happen. Think of how they were robbed and what could have been. Do you want to experience that kind of loss and forever wonder what if? Besides, you know what they say about people who assume -- right?
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Honesty. Talk to your lover about anything and everything, but do it in a prompt, respectful, effective way. Freely share your disappointments and fears, your wishes, hopes, and dreams. Keeping thoughts or feelings a secret will eventually kill passion. For example, the love of my life and I talked and laughed about everything. There was nothing that we couldn't share and we both knew it. Heck, we were even on peeing-and-farting-in-front-of-each-other terms. We recently re-established communication after several years of separation. Our connection is still most evident and overwhelming because our relationship was built on friendship and honesty. It is a great feeling when you know that there is someone else out there that totally gets you. Does your lover totally get you?
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Laughter. You don't have to be a comedian. Besides, laughter is created in various ways, including by talking and sharing whatever is on your mind. Communicate thoughts and feelings however you can -- verbally, gestures, kisses -- whatever it takes and whatever will create laughter. Your relationship will be better for it. I promise.
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Flexibility. The roller coaster of life has many ups and downs. You and your lover must be on the same train to survive and maneuver all of the twisty and bendy hills and curves. Go with the flow, or crash and burn. Your choice, yes?
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Give / Take / Reciprocate. There are many ways to be generous -- with time, thoughts and considerations, your wallet -- give little gifts of these things for no reason. Your lover's surprise and appreciation will delight both of you, and the stage will be set for reciprocation. Reciprocal gestures are fabulous. <If you need more info on this, send me an email.>
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Physicality. Don't forget to display sensuality when you are getting sexual and physical. Making love is magnificent, and should also include seduction, romance, sexy scents, foreplay, kissing, touching, and exploring. Also, hold hands or link arms while you are walking, or put your arm around his/her waist or shoulders, put your hand on his/her thigh while sitting next to each other, or while driving. Be playful and flirty. Get gussied up for a night on the town, or get undressed and sneak in a round of skinny dipping somewhere.
- Availability. This should be a no-brainer and simple; but, perhaps it is the hardest thing to do. Always take and make time for your lover; listen and hear what is and isn't being said. Go on dates, go shopping, read together or let him/her read to you <I love that!>. Listen to music, or go to a museum and explore art, together. Simply just … well … just be. The more time you spend rediscovering each other, and looking at things through the other's point of view, the better your relationship will be. The German study also found that couples, who spent time doing little and big things together, said that it was the "most critical component in keeping romance and passion alive."
Love should not be so difficult that it makes your head want to explode. But, you know, it isn't easy either. Love and relationships take patience and work to stay alive and to survive. The same goes for passion. It also takes patience and work to stay alive and to survive. Love and relationships feed your passion, and vice versa.
They are worth saving and rediscovering. Nurture and keep them both safe. Good luck!
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