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What to do when someone crosses the line
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Boundaries let us know where we end and someone else begins. They are like invisible fences that separate "self" from "other."
When your boundaries are crossed by someone, you may feel angry, frustrated, scared, hurt, disrespected, or unimportant. You may feel like you need to get some space again to breathe.
Here's how to defend your boundaries and get some A.I.R.
Acknowledge the crossing and the intention. Boundaries are invisible, and people don't usually cross them on purpose. Give them the benefit of the doubt! Suggest a good intention to start the conversation in good faith and prevent defensiveness. Example: "You cancelled on me at the last minute again. Something probably came up, or maybe you weren't feeling well."
Inform about boundaries. Gently and respectfully state what boundary he or she crossed and how you feel about it. Example: "I really value my time and the plans I make with friends. When you cancel on me at the last minute, I feel like I'm unimportant to you and that my time isn't respected."
Redirect behavior. Let him or her know what reasonable behavior you would like that shows respect for your boundaries. You are not making a demand or threat. You are not giving a command. You are making a request for an alternative action. Example: "When you need to cancel, I’d appreciate hearing from you a day ahead so I can make other plans."
If the same person crosses the same boundary again, take care of yourself and Redirect your own behavior. Example: "(A) You cancelled on me again, and I'm sure you had a good reason. (I) I've told you before that this bothers me and that you can call me in advance. (R) Since you didn't do that, from now on I'm going to call you to make sure you're committed. If that doesn’t work, we're not going to make plans anymore.
Respect and hold your boundaries or nobody else will! Give yourself AIR (Acknowledge, Inform, and Redirect) so you can breathe and know when to leave situations and people that continually choke your boundaries and disregard your well being.
In the case of domestic violence, seek safety and support immediately!
Like some advice? Please email Ivan Chan at educatedfleas@gmail.com with all your relationship questions, comments, and concerns. Names, people, events, and other identifying features will be modified or edited to protect privacy.
Photos: Top by Steve Mann, bottom right by Andy Newson.
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