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Review: ‘Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant’
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‘Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant’
The recent rise in melodramatic teen vampire fare has been interesting to witness. From the golden-hearted sparkling heartthrob in Twilight to the multitude of sappy TV dramas (sans True Blood), the watering down of the classic (and dapper!) “monster” from Eastern Europe has been both sad and alluring. It’s like passing by a car accident between a truckload of Nerf balls and the Munster-mobile.
In the case of Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant, the Nerf truck totally decimated the poor Munster car. Soft in the middle and tragically predictable, the latest from Paul Weitz ( brother to New Moon’s Chris Weitz) is fitting for its target audience, but doesn’t have enough meat for the entire family. For a movie based on a series of books aimed at the young adult genre, the film does a fantastic job of entertaining its core but doesn’t leave much for anybody over 16-years-old.
Darren (Chris Massoglia) is one sad kid. Being popular, scoring good grades and living with two functional parents is taking its toll on him. There are few tragedies that inflict the kind of pain felt by those victimized by upper middle class life. He’s looking for some pizazz in his life, something to entertain his beige existence. Along comes Darren’s “ bad boy” friend Steve (Josh Hutcherson) who convinces Darren to ditch class and throw rocks at lights on the school’s roof. Our duo get in trouble, Darren is still bored and here comes destiny in the form of a Munster-mobile that we just mentioned. A mysterious flyer drops out of the car inviting the youngsters to a freak show at an abandoned theater.
In the show, Darren and Steve see such freaky things as Mr. Tall (Ken Watanabe), Alexander Ribs (Orlando Jones), Evra the Snake Boy (Patrick Fugit), Corma Limbs (30 Rock’s Jane Krakowski) and Madame Truska (Salma Hayek). As freak shows usually are, the kids are moderately spooked until Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly) appears and performs tricks with his colorful spider Octa. Steve, who is obsessed with vampires, recognizes the curly haired bloke from one of his books. Crepsley, as it turns out, is a centuries-old vampire. As Steve considers what his next actions are, Darren, who is obsessed with spiders, walks into Crepsley’s dressing room after the show to take another look at the show-spider, which eventually leads the normally level-headed kid to steal it.
When hearing Crepsley speaking with his old friend Gavner Purl (Willem Dafoe), Darren hops into the closet. Oddly, Steve walks into the room, demands to be a vampire and then, after being rebuked by Crestly, warns him that he will have his vengeance. Oh, and Steve’s mom is a drunk.
Meanwhile at Caucasian High, Steve discovers that Darren stole the spider and tries to till kill it after it escapes into the packed school hallways. This eventually leaves Steve bitten by the deadly arachnid. Panicked, Darren speaks with Crepsley about a cure and is told that the antidote will only be provided if Darren turns himself into a half-vampire. (Half so he can go out in the daylight and pick up his dry-cleaning). Family and life as a human be damned, Darren immediately signs up for the job, which eventually leads him to fake his death and leave his family forever. All in the span of two days.
Little did the plucky teen know that there is a split within the vampire community between the bloodsuckers who sip blood from humans without killing them and the Vampenese who murder their victims. Led by Murlaugh (Ray Stevenson), the Vampenese wants the boy, who has been heralded as a great leader, to join them and their fight against the wussy vampires.
Back home, as Darren’s family grieves for his speedy choice, best pal Steve is courted by Mr. Tiny (Michael Cerveris), a man who is neither vampire nor Vampenese, but who orchestrates and woos the kid to the dark side.
The cast, who are actually in the film, don’t fit their characters with the exception of Salma Hayek whose push-up was barely able to contain the actress’s talents (ahem). John C. Reilly is normally refreshing in his comedic endeavors yet here in The Vampire’s Assistant, he is merely a smirking man-boy who is supposed to parade around as a bad ass/mentor. His take as the vampire general-turned-vaudevillian doesn’t work because audiences are busy waiting for Will Ferrell to show up so he can hit him with a tennis racket. Massoglia and Hutcherson as two high school kids is a brilliant move –as one-day vampire leaders, not so much. Bland and depressing, the duo would probably work better as posters on the wall in a 12-year-old girl’s room.
The action in Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant is a blur of colors and tug wires and the story, adapted from the first three books of The Saga of Darren Shan series from author Darren Shan, is rushed. It feels like it was three books crammed into a run-time of just over an hour and half, which makes the film move at a pace that leaves audiences unmoved and uninterested by the potentially interesting story.
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