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Follow up -- Setting boundaries: the parental divide
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The column generated some interesting responses, most of which were extremely positive from readers who were grateful that the stories and advice shared relieved any subconscious guilt they might feel when setting boundaries with parents. A couple of readers, however, were bothered by the article’s implication that close family bonds are unhealthy.
To be clear, the intention of the column was not to suggest that close relationships with family are taboo. Quite the opposite. Relationships with parents, siblings, in-laws, and children should be close, as long as the closeness is beneficial and not detrimental to the mental health of those involved.
In the column, Austinites Sarah, Callie, and Laura shared their stories -- all had experienced difficulties in their romantic relationships as a result of their own or their significant others’ ability (or inability) to set boundaries that were comfortable. What perhaps should have been added to that statement are the words for them.
Setting boundaries is not the same for every one. What is comfortable for Laura or Callie may not be comfortable for Sarah. And the same is true of their partners. It is not a male or female phenomenon, nor is it specific to any type of relationship. The reason it is called a boundary and the reason it needs to be so-called “set” is because it is a variable limit for one’s own wellbeing, peace and happiness. It is deeply personal and an imperfect science.
The purpose of discussing such limits with significant others is simply to assure that both parties are respecting their needs and wants. Relationships face a tremendous amount of strain from financial worries to sexual dysfunction to infidelity and sharing the load of responsibilities thrown at them in a demanding and ever-evolving society. The least we can do is establish some ground rules – a.k.a. boundaries – in attempt to lessen the chances that such extraneous details cause extreme tension, such as whether in-laws are allowed to stop by without calling.
Now, as to the readers who took issue, the question is – what about the suggestions made was so offensive? As written in the column – “to each his own.” If said readers’ family bonds are as healthy as they claim, then what’s the problem with suggesting that others who live in a less-than-perfect family world may need to set boundaries in order to keep the peace and mental sanity?
To repeat one more critical point made in the article: Don’t think of boundaries as black-and-white or as a rejection. Setting limits on what is comfortable interaction and influence in your life is not rejecting a parent, but rather honoring their role in your life in a healthy, balanced way.
Clearly, this is an important topic and we will continue to revisit the various facets of setting boundaries, especially as we head into the holidays.
For now, the most important ingredient to remember is good communication. The truth sometimes hurts, but without it, we’re all just living a lie. And lies never lay dormant for long.
Examiner’s note: As examiners, whether it be on food, politics or relationships, our job is to analyze, communicate and comment on what is current, relevant and of interest to our readers. We attempt to provide the most thorough analyses, best information, and thought-provoking material. Doctors examine patients. If patients don’t like their diagnosis, they get a second opinion. If something an examiner says is not to the readers’ liking, comment on it. This examiner, for one, encourages healthy debate and appreciates all feedback and opinions, so if there is a topic or column that requires further discussion, comment or email, and it will be examined.
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