Third rule of dating: establish boundaries for commitment, cheating and fidelity

November 9, 12:28 PMSF Dating Advice ExaminerDeborrah Cooper

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The third rule of dating: establish boundaries

If a man cheats once, will he cheat again? Is the phrase once a cheater, always a cheater absolutely true?

Women worry about their man cheating a lot. Just the thought of their man sweating and grunting with some other woman sends them to the level of borderline hysteria. The cheating itself seems to hurt deeply, as it indicates a violation of the commitment they hold dear, but I think it's the lying which accompanies the cheating that is the most destructive element.

Confused women who wonder how love could have gone so wrong sometimes end up on antidepressants because they don't know how to express their anger.  Fearful of going off and alienating their man even more, they hold in their hurt and confusion. They don't want to throw away years of an important relationship they may have hoped would lead to marriage, or take actions which they feel would make them responsible for the destruction of their children's lives. So they choose to stay and resignedly accept their boyfriend's cheating, perhaps pretending that they are unaware of what's going on.

On the other hand, some women are so devastated by the hurt and so angry that they end the relationship on the spot. Often though, they are sorry later that they didn't try to work it out utilizing couples counseling.

Ladies, once a cheater always a cheater isn't really true. Some men cheat once and never do again; those relationships can probably be saved. Other men are, however, habitual philanders with no intention of being committed or married on a spiritual level. These fellas are not difficult to spot. Most cheaters begin to mistreat their women in little ways, to talk to them badly, disrespect them or to start accusing them of cheating (out of guilt I suppose). You'll notice that he keeps tabs on you – always asking when you will be home, where you are going, and who you will be with. Some men become overtly and totally disrespectful by staying out all night, disappearing for long hours or even days at a time with no explanation, or he may become verbally or physically abusive.

Whether dating, living with or engaged to this fella, you should know by his behavior that having you as a girlfriend is merely a social and sexual convenience. If you two have discussed marriage, accept that his belief is that marriage is merely something that one does to appease ones family or to appear respectable to superiors on the job. If you are a pushing for a wedding to a guy like this you need to pump your brakes. Look past the fancy dress and the big party and look at what type of marriage you'd have with this guy. Does marrying a habitual cheater make any sense at all?

With infidelity, it is difficult to find the middle ground between denial and overreaction, but you must always remember that trust is one of the most important ingredients in a long-term relationship that would be on the path to marriage. When infidelity or even the suspicion of infidelity rears its ugly head, the trust has been violated and the relationship needs to be reexamined.

Infidelity after a commitment has been made is a sign of something being wrong. Some men may be seeking something they feel is missing in their primary relationship - understanding, excitement in bed, a woman that is challenging to them, etc. Other men are just plain ole skirt chasing womanizers, and what is wrong is that these fellas have serious issues with commitment and intimacy. Rather than roll up their sleeves and do the hard work of figuring out why they run away from deep emotional intimacy and feelings of vulnerability, it's easier for them to escape into a fantasy relationship with some other woman.

Women often want to know how they can verify their suspicions and find out if their man is cheating. Here are about a dozen behaviors that often point to a cheating man:

•  When he no longer wants sex with you.
•  When he suddenly has to work late and has all kinds of new obligations that take him way from home repeatedly.
•  When he gets mysterious phone calls.
•  When he suddenly needs a new cell phone and you are discouraged from ever looking at it.
•  When he arrives home smelling faintly of perfume or another woman's body.
•  When he arrives home and runs straight into the bath or shower.
•  When he has strange hairs on his clothing or in his car.
•  When he gets too nice all of a sudden – completely out of character.
•  When he breaks dates, stands you up, shows up hours late with no reasonable explanation.
•  When he starts to dress differently and/or does or requests wildly different things in bed.
•  When he begins to talk to you or treat you abusively all of a sudden.
•  When he gets cleaned up and shaved to "go fishing."
•  When his established routine changes with no plausible reason.
•  When he becomes suddenly forgetful and you have to tell him everything numerous times.

If you are sure he is cheating, confront him immediately. Don't wait until you catch him in the act with his drawers down! Don't pretend you don't know what is going on and hide your head in a hole either. The longer you wait to address the issue, the longer he will continue to cheat and believe that what he is doing is okay. Your man will become attached to this new woman, and he will also get the secondary adolescent thrill of getting away with bad behavior. This thrilling risk of getting caught is often what keeps men cheating again and again.

Men who cheat always say "if she had done something about it - gotten my parents or the priest on my back or threatened me with divorce or disgrace or something before I got so good at lying to her, I would have stopped." Know your boundaries and maintain them. If cheating is absolutely something that crosses your bottom line, get on his case with everything you have.

So think hard about what you will do if you find out your man is definitely cheating. Some of the things listed above could also indicate drug use, so you need to know for sure what you are dealing with. Once cheating is confirmed, map out a plan of action that may have to include a separation or even a permanent breakup. But if you are too afraid to do anything to confront your man about his behavior and the damage his cheating is doing to you and your relationship, then girlfriend you will just not say anything and just go along with the program until he gets tired of either her, or you.

Previous Articles in This Series

• The First Rule of Dating: Be Who and What You Are
• The Second Rule of Dating: Never Date a Man That Wants to Go Dutch!