Raising a child with autism & keeping your marriage alive

September 21, 10:29 AMAutism ExaminerBrian Field

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Marriage is tough business, and work – any couple celebrating their 50th or event 25th anniversary will tell you. When you add to this equation raising a child with autism, there are new levels of stress and such demands, that many couples’ marriages fracture, and break apart.

Post-diagnosis, parents almost invariably find emotions of guilt, of distress and a maddening search for answers. Argument and conflict are common. Sometimes one member falls into denial, leaving the other to face these emotions alone. Couples can bridge this over time, but even an initial rift of reaction to this diagnosis can cause feelings that, if unacknowledged, can fester over time.

Overcoming the initial days and months intact, couples then are forced to contend with the ongoing parade of therapists, doctors, school meetings, IEPs, advocates, and then also the actual responsibility of the day-to-day raising of their child. Leisure time quickly vanishes, replaced with preparation and analysis for the “next therapy session.” The amount of focus and attention that is demanded of these parents, along with the financial burden such professional support entails, quickly puts a massive amount of focus on the child’s welfare at the expense of nurturing the husband-wife relationship.

A common comment is that “we’re not divorced, but we’re not really married either.” With little to no energy remaining for the conjugal relationship – it becomes easy to drift, to exist as two members on their child’s “team” but little more.

Still others find a new strength. With their child’s needs and day-to-day progress as a common point of interest, some couples are able to use their child’s challenges positively. Almost invariably, such couples respond that they’ve continued to use humor in dealing with day-to-day stress, as well as scheduling times to get away as a couple -- whether for a day or merely a few hours -- in a setting that allows them to step away from the family, and continue to find connection between wife and husband.

Support groups also factor heavily into success stories. Finding a safe place to exchange ideas, and emotions with others going through the challenges and joys of raising a child with autism cannot be underscored enough. While family members and friends can be supportive, no one who is not living through raising a child with autism can know the highs and lows encountered daily.

Click here to read other’s thoughts and ideas for keeping the marital flame alive while raising a child with autism.

Brian Field is co-founder of the Autism Support Network