How to stop being a doormat

September 30, 12:29 PMFemale Friendship ExaminerDebbie Puente

Previous Next

12 comments Print Email RSS Subscribe

Subscribe

Get alerts when there is a new article from the Female Friendship Examiner. Read Examiner.com's terms of use.

Email Address   Include other special offers from Examiner.com Terms of Use

Stand up to the taker in your life!

Has this ever happened to you? You receive a phone call from a friend, neighbor, or relative; the caller tells you that she’s having a party on Saturday night. Naturally you’re expecting her next words to be an invitation, so you’re really caught off guard when she asks you to babysit. How to add insult to injury? How about being sick when she calls, and rather than show any sort of empathy, she thinks only of herself and her needs.

True story: The phone rang. It was the user in my life. This was before caller ID, before I set boundaries, and during my people-pleasing days. She asked what I was doing. I said “just trying to rest; I’m sick.” She said "Well I need you unsick by Saturday. I need you to make crème brulee for my dinner party!" This friend frequently needed things from me.  I didn’t have an issue with that. . .until the time I actually needed something from her, and was shut out.     

My taker’s motivation for a friendship with me was based on what I could do for her. I should have paid attention to the first red flag: she asked for favors very soon into the friendship. Boundaries were being crossed. She was bad news. But I was deep into feeling needed. . .or something.    

Many takers are also social climbers. A woman who actually doesn’t like you will still attempt a friendship with you if you have something she wants or needs, for example: connections, a vacation home, or even a very attractive single brother-in-law. (More about social climbing “friends” in a future column.)

It’s nearly impossible to have a long-lasting and meaningful relationship with a taker if she doesn't change. She may remain in your life as an acquaintance, but to consider her as a best friend—you’re missing out on what friendship is all about.

On the other hand, givers get a lot of pleasure knowing they’ve pleased someone. Their generosity comes from love. They listen to you, offer sympathy, help you solve problems, show appreciation when you help them, and give you their time. To quote my dear friend Mary Kay (in a thank you note I've saved), “Time is the best gift you can give.”

Of course you get more joy from friendships with givers. Put two women givers together and there's potential for a beautiful friendship. This is why it's so great to volunteer for community service. The people you'll meet!

Judging from your emails and comments, takers can sometimes change once they’re made aware that their bad behavior is causing problems in their relationships. It’s up to you to make them aware. What have you got to lose?

Two friends of mine are best friends with each other. About ten years ago the friendship was in trouble because Paula felt that Julie was constantly letting her down. Paula was always there for Julie, and Julie was unaware how self-absorbed she was coming across. Paula called me in tears one day after Julie forgot to fulfill an important promise. The friendship was on the rocks and I suggested Paula sit down and have a heart-to-heart with Julie, and tell her everything, including that the friendship was becoming permanently damaged. I’m happy to report that this was a major aha! moment for Julie. She has become so much more aware, and the friendship with Paula is wonderful.

Nobody wants confrontation. And this will be difficult. However nothing will change if we don’t let our friends know when we’ve felt used and abused. What is the worst thing that can happen by letting them know? That we’ll be more respected? That they’ll be made more aware of how their selfishness impacts others? The other option is often disengaging from the relationship, which, in some cases, might be the better option. To move the relationship into a more casual state means less is expected.
Please weigh in on your experiences. Your comments are welcome and very appreciated. 

Next: The many reasons we allow people to use us

Soon: An open letter to the users and takers of this world