I just said NO and I don't feel guilty!

October 5, 9:31 AMFemale Friendship ExaminerDebbie Puente

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Say no without feeling guilty

Dear People Pleaser,

It's time you balanced your own needs with the needs of others. Stop taking on responsibilities that are not yours. I do understand that you can’t say no without feeling guilty. I used to be just like you!

Learning how to say no without feeling guilty means making deliberate choices. You are in control of what you allow yourself to be responsible for—and the key word is control. You can and should exercise your power of choice. If you are choosing to go grocery shopping for a friend out of compassion (for example, she’s just had a baby), then there are no boundary issues—and there will be no resentment. But if you’re being used, you’ll feel uncomfortable or bitter. Up until now, the two choices were: agree to take on extra work (or chores) and feel resentful, or say no and feel guilty.

I make dinner every night. My husband doesn’t ask me to do this; it’s a choice I’ve made since my kids were little. I actually enjoy doing it because it’s a creative outlet and it saves us a lot of money. I do it because I want to. However, I know I’d feel resentment doing chores I didn’t want to do. It’s an insight into my own emotions and it carries over into my “outside” relationships.

If you get a funny feeling when being asked to do favors, it's because you're feeling put out. Chances are, it's because you're in an unbalanced relationship with someone. They just don't do for you what you are willing to do for them.

When I set up a hike with my girlfriends, I will not cancel--I will not let the girls down. It’s something I do for my own sanity. But occasionally something will be asked of me that could conflict with my mental-health hike. When that happens, I must be honest with the people involved. It’s my responsibility to set my own boundaries. If I couldn’t say no to the favor asked—thus canceling my hike—I’d feel resentful. But, if saying yes makes me bitter, I must learn to say no without guilt, and without offering excuses (Marla G!). A simple “I’m sorry, I can’t help you with that,” will do. Pay no attention to your guilt. Sure, I will also tell my favor-asker that I understand they need something from me, but I really must keep my hiking plans for my physical, mental, and emotional health. I will stand up for myself and you should too.

Even if you don’t have etched-in-stone plans, you can still say no. Perhaps you’ve set Saturday afternoon aside to read the September Vogue, or you really want to finish that book, when a work-friend calls you in a panic because she’s been partying too much and can’t make her deadline. Her lack of planning is not your responsibility. You say, “I’m sorry, I can’t help you with that.” Again, it’s really much better to stop there and offer no excuses. Oh boy it’s hard at first! But it’s also rewarding and empowering in the long run. You’ll see.

Think about this for a minute: when was the last time you said yes to something you wish you had said no to instead? I'm guessing it wasn't that long ago. How will you balance the stress you feel saying yes, with the guilt you have saying no?

• Don't be so quick to say yes. You can ask for time to think about the favor being asked of you. "I really need to check my schedule before I commit."
• Say no in a positive way. "I really appreciate the fact that you'd trust me with that, but I just can't take on any more responsibilities right now."
• Have the mindset that when you can't do someone a favor, that someone is not going to jump off a cliff. They may display disappointment but they will get over it and they will move on to the next person.

It's my sincere hope that you don't fear that saying no can hurt the relationship with this person. If it does, then remember: it's better to have loved and lost, than to be stuck for years with a user.

Next: Don't pretend to like oatmeal cookies

Coming up soon:

• An open letter to the users and takers of this world
• Can your self-centered friend change?