Ending a toxic friendship

October 31, 8:22 PMFemale Friendship ExaminerDebbie Puente

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Being in a toxic, unhealthy friendship could result in severe stress that could also require needing mental health therapy that is probably not covered by the proposed Obama health care plan. This is for the women who have emailed me in the past week about their desire to end their dysfunctional, toxic friendships.

If, for any reason, the gentle fade doesn’t work, and an explanation is demanded, you must be honest and end it kindly and courteously. Of course the intention to discontinue the friendship should be clear. Tell her that you feel the two of you don’t click, giving her a little room to save face. I mean really, how many of us could say, “ya know Nancy, you’re one of the meanest people I know, you terrify me, and I just don’t want to be your friend anymore.” You don’t want to make an enemy—you just don’t want to hang out anymore. If this person verbally abuses you, or writes you a poison-pen letter, that only proves you made the right choice to end the friendship. It's important to forgive yourself for getting into this situation in the first place. You go into a friendship thinking this person is a certain way, only to find out in time that you’re better off without her. Learn from it so it won't happen again. Some relationship experts recommend writing a letter or sending an email stating clearly why you wish to end the friendship. This seems like a good idea if the person caused you a tremendous amount of pain, deeply betrayed you, or is in denial that they have a personality disorder. (Only do this if you’re certain that she’s not a little crazy or that she’ll retaliate in some weird way.)

I do have friends who have written letters to end friendships and have asked for my input before sending. I believe that when writing your letter it’s best to focus on how your friend’s actions made you feel rather than being highly critical of her. It’s important to word your letter in a way that there is no doubt that you wish to end the friendship. Be non-confrontational and clearly state that you have come to realize that you simply don’t have the energy or resilience to continue the friendship. I think if she has a serious personality problem that she’s unaware of, for example, she’s verbally abusive, it might be a good idea to point it out without being angry or insulting. Each time I’ve been the target of your unpredictable temper, another little piece of my heart broke. You exploded, but I fell apart. I feel stress when I’m around you. Being with you is not good for my health. You demand that I be the perfect friend but I find that impossible. I can’t allow people to abuse me. I’m not free to be myself when I’m with you. Making it more about you than her could soften the blow. (Look, I know what you really want to say—I think you’re psychotic. Your behavior is not normal. You never apologize, even when you’re proven wrong—but when you’re proven right, you rub it in relentlessly. You become defensive and angry when anyone tries to discuss a problem of yours. You become moody when you’re not the center of attention. You don’t notice that everyone avoids you. You fall out with everybody but everybody only falls out with you. You need psychiatric help. Sure, you want to say all of that, but you shouldn’t because what good does it do to antagonize her? You simply want out—a clean break, so to speak.)

I’m sure this is not the first time she’s had a friend disappear. In fact, it’s almost certain that she’s heard it before. Could she really have no idea of how harmful her outbursts or unkind words were? Or that the intensity of her emotions have been completely out of proportion to the situations she encounters? You might be doing her a huge favor by being honest—especially if all of her friendships ultimately end. Neurotic patterns first need to be recognized before change is possible.

If you are going through something like this, I recommend Lillian Glass’s book, Toxic People or The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women's True Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out or Faded Away by Jenny Offill and Elissa Schappell. A third good book is, When Friendship Hurts: How to Deal With Friends Who Betray, Abandon, or Wound You.

Today my friend Patty had a memorial service for her mom. (RIP Nana.) Patty was encircled, buoyed and  embraced by her closest and oldest friends. Spending time with your friends should leave you feeling lifted. One of the most important lessons in life is to choose friends who support you and bring you joy.

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