Can your self-centered friend change?

October 17, 3:11 PMFemale Friendship ExaminerDebbie Puente

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Remember the story of the scorpion and the frog? The scorpion needs a ride across the river and asks the frog to carry him. The frog is afraid of being stung, but the scorpion assures him that if he stung the frog, the frog would sink and the scorpion would drown along with him. The frog then agrees; but of course the scorpion stings the frog, dooming the two of them. Before drowning, the frog asked why the scorpion did it, and the scorpion explains, "I'm a scorpion; it's my nature."

If you’ve been wondering if your friend (or relative), the user, can change, it would depend on whether or not she is just simply clueless or if she is a cronic, narcissistic, user.  You can’t change a narcissist. But you can change a person who is just simply clueless that their behavior is hurting you. 

In my column Is it kind? Is it true? Is it useful?, I wrote about the time a friend told me that my tendency to be self-absorbed was frustrating and angering her. Once I was aware of it, and after the sting wore off, I made an effort to change. In that case, I was clueless. 

If you have had a serious issue with a friend, and talking to them about it was like talking to a brick wall, you may be in a relationship with a narcissist.  But even with a clueless friend, if the window of opportunity to discuss the problem is missed, the floodgates are open to even more serious issues. It’s the oatmeal cookie analogy.  You sent out a signal that her user/taker behavior was okay with you, because she didn’t experience any negative consequences.

If she is truly sorry, she will do everything in her power not to hurt you again—clueless. Pretending to be sorry, portraying herself the victim and you as the bad guy, and repeating the hurtful behavior—scorpion. 

Next: In too deep? How to escape a bad relationship

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