The reason we allow people to use us

October 1, 10:46 PMFemale Friendship ExaminerDebbie Puente

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Originally I had titled this, “The reason we allow friends to use us.” However, I changed the word friends to people, because the true definition of a friend is someone who you know well and regard with affection and trust, and is someone who supports you. A person who takes advantage of you, uses you, or abuses you, is not a true friend.

You allow people to use you because you haven't set boundaries. You haven't yet decided what you are willing to give to others and what you are not.

Most people try to abide by the golden rule; we are giving, compassionate, and sympathetic. We treat our friends the way they sould like to be treated and hope they will do the same. Unfortunately, being kind never guarantees that others will not treat us like doormats. Given the opportunity, there are people we know who will take advantage of us if they can. But they really, truly, can’t do this without our permission.

Why are you are allowing someone to treat you badly when you treat them well? Do you somehow see yourself as someone who is not worthy of being treated better? This is a subject that hits very close to home with me because I have a younger sister who, up until very recently (with the help of a good therapist), has allowed herself to be treated horribly by friends and her husband. I have often reminded her that she would never tolerate watching me be treated the way she allows others to treat her. She is finally learning to have more self-respect.

To those of you who are being treated like doormats, here’s a shocking idea: stop being so nice and generous to your taker. Stop it because they don’t deserve your kindheartedness. Change how you define yourself and how others see you. Treat yourself better. Be more self-caring. Do something for yourself rather than doing nice things for the person who doesn’t appreciate you. And do it without guilt. What on earth do you have to feel guilty about anyway--that you have decided to set some boundaries?

There are other reasons we allow ourselves to be used. Stay tuned for that.

Coming up:

• I just said NO and I don't feel guilty!
  
• Don't pretend to like oatmeal cookies
  
• An open letter to the users and takers