Profiles in Barfolk - Episode 1: The Sportsguy

4 comments

April 20, 1:54 AM

by Mark Burlet, Baltimore Drink Examiner

 

 

And here we go with Episode 1.

THE SPORTSGUY
We begin our look at our nation's bewildering variety of bar patrons with one of the most common species, the Sportsguy. Often loud and obnoxious, this failed athlete is die-hard in his loyalty to his chosen professional and/or collegiate teams. Year-round, the Sportsguy can be found in the local establishment with the most flat-screen televisions and the cheapest beer... decked out from head to toe in fan gear, depending on what sport is in season. For example, a fan from D.C. might follow this progression: Summer-Nationals gear, Fall-Redskins gear, Winter-Capitals gear, Spring-Wizards gear... and at any time could be found wearing some flavor of Maryland Terrapins or Georgetown Hoyas gear. There is no off-season for the true Sportsguy, and that form of rabid dedication leads to a competitive streak a mile wide. Hence the fighting. In a perfect world where their team wins every game and there are no fans of that other team in a three-mile radius, the Sportsguy is everyone's best friend... offering hugs and shots to strangers and, especially, other allied Sportsguys. However, on a night where Kyle Boller is quarterbacking the Ravens, and that annoying guy from Boston is acting just a bit too smug about their "Season of Destiny"... look out.

Now, there are some things about this species that defy logic. Such as how a man who can't remember his girlfriend's birthday, or in what year the United States was founded, can recall the OBP (on-base percentage) of the Orioles 2nd-string catcher from 1989. And although his law school application is still hanging in the Dean's office as a joke, he can argue quite eloquently the merits (and demerits) of the BCS system.  For the most part, though, the Sportsguy is a predictable creature, following the herd to the sports bar before gametime and knocking back cold ones until the bouncer kicks him out. But I wouldn't say that the average Sportsguy is a mindless, drunken Neanderthal with a one-track mind, years of frustration stemming from an unrequited career in professional sports and a penchant for domestic abuse during the playoffs. I would never say such things about my fellow man.

Especially not while wearing my Saints jersey in a crowded Baltimore bar.

So there we have my brief, ridiculously stereotype-ridden portrait of just one of the many denizens of our local watering holes. Stay tuned for future episodes, which I hope to turn into a regular feature here. I'll leave you now with some Fun Facts about the Sportsguy for your further enlightenment.  Enjoy!

FUN FACTS

Appearance
Coloration is regional, based on home team, and can change with the seasons. The Baltimore Sportsguy, for example, can be identified by orange and white markings during the spring and summer months, deepening to a mix of black and purple in the fall. Their bodies are covered in jerseys, t-shirts or sweatshirts in their native color, and their crowns are adorned with similarly-colored headwear... bills can be forward or backward-facing.

Habitat
The Sportsguy is attracted to large colorful screens (preferably HD) and sports paraphernalia. They tend to congregate in packs, especially on Sundays in the fall. However, the species can be migratory, so it is not unlikely to find Sportsguys from other regions mixed with the local breed... especially if the bar has NFL Sunday Ticket.

Diet
Sportsguys generally subsist on fried foods, but are also known to eat burgers. They tend to feed communally, so chicken wings, fries, nachos and the like are preferred. Food is often accompanied by bottles of cheap American beer and the occasional Jack and Coke. These are drank quickly and often slammed on tables to express displeasure.

Behavior
In their native environment, the Sportsguy is a loud, aggressive and highly territorial creature, which often leads to conflict with breeds from other regions.  They communicate with loud "WOO"s and "YEAH BABY"s, and the exclamatory "BOOYA!". Disagreement is expressed by a series of exaggerated bodily gestures, and can be accompanied by shouts of "NO", "COME ON" or "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT GUY?". They gather in large numbers for sporting contests, but disperse rapidly upon their completion, especially when their team loses.

   Subscribe   Feed

Include other special offers from Examiner.com
Terms of Use