The love lie and the monster called "Alone"

June 14, 10:45 PMLove and Marriage ExaminerRita Watson

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Every day on every television channel, movie, talk show, soap opera, magazine — the love myth is reinforced.  It tells us, “Without love, without a relationship, you are not whole.”  

(Although Susan Boyle may have proven us wrong on that score As with the ups and downs of love, Susan Boyle is back and singing triumphantly -- update (Watch for the follow-up)

Love and rejection: This piece, however, is a look at  love and rejection from stories told to me by two men, one engaged, and one with a wife of 5 years.  Each was living a love lie.  Even when the romance was ending, they tried to find moments to deceive themselves.  But they knew that they were in relationships that were in trouble.  Each said they felt as if a dark cloud was hovering over them.

For Michael, it was the rush he felt when he saw the man who would become his wife’s lover. “I knew.  I had a hunch.”  For Jason the moment of truth came with a telephone call, “I knew from the way she answered that she was talking to another man.” Signs of Cheating

Both Michael and Jason would eventually hear the women in their lives say to them, “I think we need to spend some time alone.”

Alone and lonely:  Alone — when a woman says, “I think we need a little time alone, away from each other,”  what does it mean?   She might just really need time alone with her friends.  Or she might be rethinking the relationship.  She might actually be toying with another man.  Or she may really sense that the commitment she is hoping for is simply not going to happen.

Alone — he thinks, “She wants a night out with the girls.”  Or he may think that he has been demanding too much and therefore should back off.

The problem that men too often have with “alone” is “lonely.”  Men traditionally have had their places of retreat — a boat, a workshop, a fishing trip.  But oftentimes, just the notion of being alone is threatening.  One young man recently went out with the women with whom he had just ended a relationship because he didn’t have a date for the week-end and couldn’t bear to be alone.   Oftentimes divorced fathers can fill in alone time with their children.

Alone can mean a new beginning:  Or it can mean an ending.  When a person in a relationship, says, "I  need to be alone,"  it is a time to rethink and honestly ask yourself, “Am I really happy in this relationship?  Or am I staying here because I don’t want to be alone?” If you search your heart, when one person is dissatisfied with a relationship, so is the other.

Sex becomes routine and boring.  You start snipping at each other.  But you hang on because of the monster called Alone. 

Rekindle romance: What should you do?  Be proactive.  Honestly assess the relationship and your reasons for being in the relationship.  If it isn’t working, then take a chance on being alone and use the time to be good to yourself.  Or take the time to talk to your partner and say, "I really love you and would like our relationship to work. What shall we do?"

Think about  Michael and Jason.  What could they have done differently?  Each could have confronted without being confrontational.   Each could have said, “Before I give you some alone time, let’s talk about what is happening between us.”

For that matter, their wives or lovers could have done the same thing. If you want the relationship, then do something. Why didn’t either Michael or Jason do so?  Because each was afraid of rejection. And what did the women in their lives really want?  They wanted to be courted again! Rekindling romance

Copyright 2009 Rita Watson