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Ask Josh, the mailbag full of surprises
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Dear Josh,
I am a twenty-six year old professional living in San Francisco. My boyfriend and I pooled our resources to lease a really cool SOMA loft. We weren't living together before, and we spent so much time hanging out in each other's apartments that renting two places just didn't make any sense. We really love our new loft but here's the thing: my boyfriend won't talk to me anymore! At least not in the morning. He just buries his face in the New York Times and grunts at me whenever I try to chat. It's really frustrating! Otherwise we get along great. How can I get him to talk to me before we both head off for work?
No SOMA Holiday
Dear No,
Grouchy in the morning? Relax, it's a just guy thing. The normal male tends not to be too perky at that hour. Make him a cup of coffee, give him time to down a few sips, then test him for chattiness. If that doesn't work, or if he doesn't drink coffee, jump him before he can get out of bed and screw his brains out. That's bound to put him in a better mood. It might also curb your volubility.
Dear Josh,
I don't get my wife. We've been married for ten years. Every year for her birthday I take her out to dinner. We go to this little Italian place in the neighborhood where everybody knows us. Ok, it's not that fancy but the food is good and they always get everybody in the place to sing happy birthday. You don’t get that at the French Laundry. This year my wife turned forty. I told her we were all set for dinner at our usual spot, and she burst into tears. Can you beat it? Is she being unreasonable, or what?
Puzzled in Petaluma
Dear Puzzled,
In a word, what. Has it never occurred to you that maybe your wife craves a little romance on her birthday? That perhaps she doesn't enjoy having a restaurant full of grinning yahoos intruding on her special day? That she might be sensitive and cannot tolerate a bunch of neighborhood louts singing to her off-key? That her fortieth birthday could have extra significance? That, gee, we live in the middle of foodie-land and maybe we should try other restaurants every now and again? So take her someplace else for her birthday. You imbecile.
Dear Josh,
I like, really like this chick in my English class. Like, really, really like. But like, I don't know what to say to her. She's like, really hot. Really, really hot. But it's like, every time I get near her I like, forget how to talk. You know? Like, I start sweating and can't breath and, like this is really embarrassing, but I get all red. In the face. You know? So how can I, like, talk to the hot chick in my English class?
Challenged Literarily
Dear Challenged,
Several alternatives lie before you. You could transfer to a different English class. Then you won't have to deal with the "hot chick" any longer. As a bonus, your new teacher might be able to teach you a little English. Or you could wait and address the "hot chick" in a couple of years or so. By then you might have grown out of your utterly nauseating adolescent awkwardness. Or you could just forget about the "hot chick" entirely and stick with internet porn. In the long run it will be less complicated for you, and you'll probably save money as well.
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