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When a child loses a pet
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Losing a pet is often a child’s first experience of heartbreak. Modern parents try hard to cushion the negative experiences of childhood, but no amount of overprotective love can make Fido immortal.
There are simple ways to make a tough time a little easier.
1. Use rituals. Adults have wakes and funerals and sit shiva. We do these things because rituals help with the grieving process and they are just as helpful for children. Pet funerals and memorial services are very important for children who are grieving. Set a special time for the service and infuse it with some gravity. Don’t make light of the situation even if you feel a little silly about standing around a goldfish gravesite. Food is an important part of adult death rituals so be sure to offer some special food after your service.
2. Create a memory object. Creating a memory book or box can help relieve the fear that the beloved animal will be forgotten. A memory book could contain pictures of the pet, fond memories of the pet’s life, drawings or even paw prints. For a younger child, decorating the book with stickers or paint can be a helpful exercise. A memory box might also contain a letter written to the pet, her collar or a favorite toy. Shopping for the box, decorating it and deciding what will be in it are good ways to walk beside your child as she grieves.
3. Prepare in advance if you can. If you know you are going to have to put a pet to sleep you can start your grief support in advance. Have your child help you plan the pet’s last day. Should she have a special meal or go to a favorite park? Take special pictures of the child and his pet and encourage your child to spend some special cuddle time with his loved one. You could even make a cast of the pet’s paw print or let her walk with painted feet on the basement floor.
4. Help your child form a mental picture of what happens after death. Different families have different belief systems about death and this is a good time to help your child understand yours. Whether you believe in heaven, reincarnation, a soul, energy or simply a lack of suffering after death, try to form a simple picture of your pet’s experience and share it with your child.
5. Don’t minimize the child’s feelings. It can be easy to adopt a “what’s the big deal?” attitude if your child is grieving over a pet that you won’t particularly miss. But children can place a tremendous amount of love onto their pets, even the wet and slimy ones.
6. Accept the child’s method of grieving. Some children will barely register the loss of a pet and others will be devastated. Accept the reactions as they come without suggesting that they should feel more or less than they do.
7. Seek help if the grieving is prolonged. If the child’s grieving continues for more than 4-6 months, affects their school functioning, or seems to have changed their personality consider seeing a therapist with experience in pediatric grief.
You can’t take away your child’s sadness but you can compassionately walk beside them as they face the tough reality of loss.
Dr. Chiaramonte
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