RSS
Home
Open Questions: Who gets the bed? Making sleepovers work
Print
Email
RSS
Subscribe
Photo by Stephanie Hofschlaeger
One of the most potentially volatile situations in poly relationships is The Sleepover - that is, when your partner stays overnight with someone else or has someone stay overnight with them. There are many approaches to this delicate issue, and while rules differ greatly for different poly relationships, there are some simple guidelines that can make things run a bit more smoothly.
Beds are funny things. While many swingers are happy to share sexuality with someone outside of their marriage, many reserve the marriage bed for themselves only. Some poly couples ascribe to this rule as well, as a way of reserving a particular sanctuary for themselves alone. Some poly people simply don't do sleepovers, but that doesn't necessarily remove the question: so where are we having sex?
The sleepover/bed question is going to work a lot differently for single people who are poly and dating, but if you're a couple who lives together, it's wise to come up with a few groundrules around this issue.
First of all, make a decision about your bed. Do you feel that your bed is sacrosanct, and should be used only by you and your primary partner? How does your primary partner feel about it? In cases like this, it's usually wisest to go with the person who feels most strongly about it: if you don't care but the idea makes your partner uncomfortable, go with your partner and restrict the bed. (As a general note, this works well when coming up with rules, unless your desires are completely contradictory, in which case compromises must be made.)
If you do decide to restrict the bed, this leaves open the question of where you and your partner will have sex with other people - and under what circumstances. Is the couch okay? Do you have a guest room? What about the other person's place? If you're going to cut off the marriage bed as a place for intimacy with others, make sure you continue the conversation and come up with something that works reasonably well for everyone - otherwise, resentment can gather around the issue.
Restricting the marriage bed has its advantages and disadvantages. Besides the obvious practical issues, making something "forbidden" can give it illicit allure, which in my experience it is best to avoid in poly relationships. It may also make a non-primary partner feel less-than, even shameful, if he or she feels that the lover's bed is something denied to him or her. It is of utmost importance in such relationships that all involved feel safe and wanted, so if you make this choice, be sure to have a viable alternative that is comfortable and private.
On the other hand, restricting the bed can add mystery and specialness to the primary relationship, enhance a feeling of safety for one or both partners when embarking on open relationships, and highlight the nature of the couple's bed as a place for exploring sexuality together. Many couples report that sharing sexuality with others enhances their sexuality at home, and having a place that is specifically set aside for them can bolster this feeling further.
If you do decide to open your bed to others, that can also work well. It's a very practical solution for people living in cities, who may have small apartments and no extra space, or who have other partners who are single with roommates and little privacy. This option, though, frequently requires more negotiation - as well as some simple etiquette.
First, decide when it's okay to use the bed with other partners. Is it a general okay, or should each specific instance be negotiated in advance? Maybe it's only okay when one of you is out of town, or when one of you is sleeping over at another lover's place. Whatever you come up with, it's probably always a good idea to at least let your partner know when it's going to be happening; there's nothing more disconcerting than coming home and finding your partner in your bed with someone else, even if it has been generally agreed upon. In general, surprises are bad in open relationships: keep up good communication about who is where when, and a shocking number of potential arguments can be avoided.
When you use your and your primary's bed with someone else, make sure that you change the sheets afterward, remove evidence of your sex (condoms, rags, dildoes, whatever!) from the scene, and air the room. While plenty of poly people hew to agreements of openness, there's still a simple biological process that makes most people react poorly to someone else's smell on their partner or in their bed.
In general, exercise courtesy and common sense. Remember: partnering with or marrying someone is cause for an increase in politeness and consideration toward that person, not a decrease. Thinking about how you would want to be treated is the first step. Knowing how your partner wants to be treated is even more key. As always: communicate, communicate, communicate.
***
Got a question? Email Kamela!
Related Articles:
Comments
