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Marriage Mondays-Getting past the past
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Marriages should be strong and trusting
When you meet the person of your dreams, something chemical happens in your brain. Hormones are released causing a feeling of euphoria. Do you remember it? You saw your lover as the most perfect person on the planet. Even drool on the pillow and underwear on the floor were cute in the beginning.
It’s not because they were perfect, then they suddenly became imperfect one day. You’ve both always been imperfect. When a person falls in love, they are flooded with chemicals. Strangely enough, love chemicals follow the same pathway as stress, and even mimic most of the symptoms of stress: flushed skin, sweaty palms, and heavy breathing. There is one difference though, and that’s the feeling of euphoria.
So what happens when the ‘love high’ wears off and you wake up and realize that you married a person with a past of parties and promiscuity? Usually a lot of distance and fighting happens. No matter how much you don’t want the past to spill over into your marriage, it does.
When you think of couples fighting over the past, you think first of sex. Joe Beam, a marriage expert and president of the Family Dynamics Institute explains, “Couples who’ve had sex before marriage will inevitably have sexual difficulties in marriage.” While sex in the past is a big issue for married couples, there are others. The problems could be alcoholism, drug use, gambling, and a whole realm of negative behaviors. These behaviors can cause distrust and feelings of insecurity, betrayal, and anxiety.
What can you do to ease or avoid the conflict of past behavior?
1. Confess: This doesn’t mean go into every gooey detail of your past endeavors, but it means putting everything on the table that your spouse deserves to know. This includes telling them that you’ve had sex before, that you are an addict, or that you went to prison. Whatever it is that’s haunting you, it will heal you to tell, and it will make your marriage stronger. Be aware of the hurt your spouse will feel, but ensure them of the steps you’re taking to be a better person for yourself and for them. Don’t be afraid to tell them details that they want to know. This will keep them from feeling like you still have secrets.
2. Fight the fight: When you think about the person your spouse was before you were married to them, it can be hard to not lash out in hurt and anger. Even though they may not have known you when they displayed negative behaviors, you may still feel betrayed. If the issue is sex, you may feel cheated and even violated. Fight the urge to fight. Your spouse has done the best they can to be perfect for you, but realize that even you are imperfect. If you feel the urge to fight, fill it with something positive. Go for a run, bike ride, write in a journal, or work on a hobby.
3. Think back: Remember the reason you chose your spouse. Out of every other person in the world, they are the one you chose to marry and spend the rest of your life with. There was a reason you made that decision. Watch old home video, crack that box of keepsakes, and go through your wedding album. Between the two of you, find one thing that is special about your marriage that is just yours. Whenever the feelings of hurt about the past emerge, focus on that one thing and cling together rather than drift apart.
4. The missing link: There is a link between the health of your marriage and the health of your sex life. Think about sex with your spouse. Do you get excited, or do you fill with dread? Did you know that sex is a vital part of your relationship with your spouse? If you fill with dread at the thought of it, before you can say ‘headache’, you have to find a way to make the effort, whether that’s through sexual play, more foreplay, or just giving in. Think of it this way: Is ten minutes of your day worth the health of your marriage? Make the sacrifice, and over time, you’ll see your marriage recover its excitement, and it won’t be a sacrifice any longer.
5. Seek help: If your conflicts are getting too hard to handle, and either one of you is thinking of divorce, you must seek the help of a professional, either through your church, or a licenced marriage counselor. Don’t be afraid to give them a ‘test drive’, because too many times, marriages don’t get repaired because one of the spouses doesn’t click with the counselor. Keep trying new ones until you find the one that works for you both.
6. Suck it up: If your counselor says things you don’t want to hear, no matter how mad they make you, suck it up. Do not take a counseling session out on your spouse. Counselors are supposed to tell you the truth, even if it hurts and makes you angry. The things that make you the angriest are the parts of you that you fear facing the most. Do the exercises they give you as if your life depended on it, because your marriage does.
7. Strengthen your spirituality: Pray. Go to church. Join a church group. Meditate. Read the Bible. Give it to God. The stronger you are spiritually, the more at peace you will be, and the better choices you will make. If you pray about something that is bothering you instead of being confrontational, you will be less apt to instigate a fight.
8. It’s not in your power: Realize that anything that happened in the past is beyond your control. You have to let it go. The only thing you have control over is how you act. Picture your future: Do you want a future of fighting, pain, and possible divorce, or do you want a future of strength, serenity, and happiness? You have the power to control you. Not your spouse, not the past, and no one else. Just you.
9. Attitude determines altitude: In the movie ‘Facing the Giants’, coach Grant Taylor tells his players, “Your attitude reflects the condition of your heart.” Think about what your motives are and where your heart is. Make sure it’s in the right place.
10. Fight fair: If it does turn into more than a simple discussion, use fair fighting tactics.
Don’ let your marriage be another divorce statistic. You owe it to yourself, your spouse, and especially your children to overcome the issues that arise in your marriage, learn from them, strengthen your relationship, and move forward. Real men love and honor their wives, and real wives respect and nurture their husbands.
Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." –Matthew 19:4-6
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