Five reasons why I hate the new Warren Miller movie, 'Children of Winter'

December 27, 9:47 AMSalt Lake City Outdoor Recreation ExaminerJared Hargrave

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Courtesy of Warren Miller Entertainment 

The new Warren Miller ski movie, “Children of Winter,” has pretty much completed it's North American tour by now. But if you missed it, you can still catch it at Snowbird where it will be showing periodically until April 15^th. Personally, I don't recommend doing that.

Look, I think ski movies are in a sad state these days. I long for times past when flicks by Greg Stump and Warren Miller made me laugh and actually were about something. They had narrative, characters, and knew how to build up to a climax. As a pre-ski season tradition, going to a ski movie in the fall was the best way to get excited about the coming of winter. Sitting in a packed theater filled with other amped up skiers gets the blood going, and when the lights go down and everyone cheers, I get chills. I felt the same way this year when I shelled out $20 to see the new Warren Miller movie, "Children of Winter." Unfortunately, when the lights came back up, I felt like Malcolm McDowell in "A Clockwork Orange" after being forced to watch hundreds of T.V. screens filled with horrific images while my eyelids were spread open by metal contraptions. “Children of Winter” is an extreme example of what is wrong with the current crop of ski movies.
So here are 5 reasons why I hate the new Warren Miller movie, “Children of Winter,” and by association, most new ski movies in general.

1. The editing is so fast paced and random that I felt like I was watching a Japanamation version of a ski movie, only worse, like it was given crack and a healthy dose of meth for good measure. Not once do we get to see a skier shred a killer, chest-deep powder line from top to bottom. The film never slows down to breathe and the few shots that do, are always tricked out with a time lapse so no matter what's on screen, it's happening really, really fast. Maybe technology is to blame, but just because it's available, doesn't mean every single trick in the book should be jammed into the film.

2. The constant self-glorification of ski celebrities. I really don't give a crap about these pimped-out ski-tards that pop up in every flick. Yes, it is awesome to watch them nail sick Alaskan lines and flip themselves off huge cliffs. But do they really need to look into the camera to tell me how lucky they are to be able to get free heli ski trips to British Columbia, or how humbled they are that their life is totally awesome because they are so lucky? The self congratulatory, ego-masturbation-fests have got to go! I'm looking at you Jonny Moseley.

3. Jonny Moseley. First, he narrates the film and let me tell you, he is no Warren Miller. His "whoa, dude" voice over is annoying. Long gone are the days of classic Warren Miller whose narration is actually genuine and funny. His ski-celebrity lifestyle segment when he basks in the glory days of his Olympic gold medal win is boring. Instead of doing much skiing, we instead watch him take walks in the woods and listen to church bells with a goofy grin.

4. Random mountain biking segment. Why do ski films always insist on including some non-skiing sport? I could forgive such transgressions if it was vital to the narrative of the movie, but since there was zero narrative in this film, the biking segment felt out of place. At least show a winter sport for God's sake, like. . . ice fishing.

5. The entire rock band/movie star segment. I knew this movie was in trouble as soon as the guy from "American Pie" showed up trying to get a laugh by letting chickens sit on his head while some famous rock band looks on and pretends to think it's funny. Then the "American Pie" dude jams out with the band (on cowbell of course), goes on a sleigh ride with them, and then they all have a snowball fight. I'm at a loss for words even as I sit here writing about this stupidity.

I do have to admit there were some good things about the movie, like the Leadville skijoring segment. The Utah powder segment was awesome to watch although it was far too short and suffered from the above mentioned psycho editing. The Billy Poole tribute was nice, but his death and what led up to it was completely glossed over. The cinematography was amazing but frustratingly, when I was being wowed by some footage it was gone in a split second as a result of, yes, the god-awful strobe light editing.

The Warren Miller franchise as we know and love it is dead. These new movies are Warren Miller by name only. It's nothing but flash, loud music, effects heavy editing. Give me narrative. Give me real characters doing something in real life, not just pretending to hang out in a staged scene surrounded by product placements. Ski movies should be like an awesome meal with a beginning, middle and end. But these new Warren Miller films are more like having an energy drink for dinner. They give you a fleeting rush, but in the end you're not even close to satisfied.