Line dancing, mice and fried rice

January 20, 8:38 PMDenver Live Music ExaminerWilliam Jiles

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There are few things worse than listening to the only sound on an hour long bus ride in the form of a 78-year-old woman having an alarmingly loud conversation in Cantonese on speaker phone with two English speaking toddlers. Among these things there is barely making it to Panda Express before close only to witness the last of the fried rice being scooped out to a 12-year-old with a cell phone, hypnotizing me with its sparkly cell phone medallions, Tinker Bell decal and Flo Rida ringtone. But the absolute worst thing is a bad, bad date.

So, this year date-less single common folk, let’s resolve to NOT be bitter and single. And what better way to not be single than to go on a date! And what better way to not be bitter than by allowing someone to be overly forward and shove their musical tastes down your trachea on a first date! We all know if he can afford two Tokyo Joe’s rice bowls, regular sized fountain drinks and an hour of awkward pleasantries, he can afford a couple of tickets to some poppin’ live music where you’re both spared silence and very likely to find a more attractive guy with an extra Jager shot and dreadlocks! Which is exactly why I’ve picked a couple of shows that are almost guaranteed to yield positive results!

I figure there are two kinds of people in the world, people who have a few drinks and black out, and people who have a few drinks and line dance. Personally, I have yet to define which group I belong to, since I’ve often been told while blacked out I tend to line dance. To be fair, it is a very easy set of dance moves that I’m almost positive was designed to do while drinking, literally.

For those of us that just black out, I highly suggest doing it after Josephine and the Mousepeople play on February 21^st at The Meadowlark. I first saw Big Jo at an excruciatingly creepy exhibition set in the Mercury Café last spring. Unfortunately, the act before them was a pretty wild burlesque dancer who was obviously fairly intoxicated and confusingly throwing her tassel wearing breasts across the stage to what was no doubt some terrible Madonna remix, encouraging me to drink heavily. To strengthen my reaction time, of course, in case I had to use myself as a human shield for the family who were covering their children’s eyes next to me. Josephine and the Mousepeople took the stage and blew my mind. Their intoxicatingly delicious eccentricities worked as a brand new sponge, wiping the

aneurysm inducing techno beats from the previous act from my mind like it was grease build up and they were Easy-Off oven cleaner. Calmly, but with an air of authority they produced some pretty sweet tunes that my ears ate up like free shots of Tuaca from the bartender. I highly suggest this show.

On the other hand, we can all get tonky with it at The Grizzly Rose February 21^st for Little Big Town. This is a show I have been anticipating with a yearning. Two guys in Wranglers and girls that belong in Rob Zombie’s The Devil’s Rejects are just a few of my favorite things. With a hint of hometown curiosity, this quartet rocks the fiddle just the way I like it: Well. Although they don’t necessarily honky-tonk dirty enough to line dance, I can almost guarantee there will be NO roofies and that is something I always encourage.

So either grab a PBR at the Meadowlark, or a whiskey sour at The Grizzly Rose and let’s party this February! Just remember the most important rule: Never, ever trust anyone with tassels instead of nipples and make sure to always keep an eye out for fried rice, because you just never know when that craving will hit. And trust me, it hits hard. I apologize in advance for anyone who gets the liquid end of my drink on their face.