No shirt, no shoes, no black tar heroin

December 16, 7:47 PMDenver Live Music ExaminerWilliam Jiles

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Throughout my life, I have found myself at different venues being accosted for different reasons. Sometimes I’m spilling beer on people, poking someone with my elbow, smoking out of a bathroom window or pulling a friend out from under someone’s feet. But no matter what, I always (a) Get hit up for drugs or (b) receive some real door buster prices on them. While drugs are illegal, it’s still very interesting to notice how different venues and different headliners can affect which drug the homeless guy near the ticket window is peddling.

I’ve been corralled in the children’s play pen upstairs at The Bluebird for the Enon show and still managed to get pulled aside and asked if I had any interest investing in some meth, to which I politely declined noting I had, in fact, no light bulb on me at the time. Did anyone need a meth a show like this? Constellations had opened for them and both bands are highly energetic. I preferred to watch them with a normal heart rate and a meth sore-less face, rather than cracked out. I’d end up having a brain aneurism. Meth is better suited for folks without TV’s and missing Monopoly pieces.

A few years back I attended a Rasputina show at The Gothic Theatre. The line was relatively long and I waited patiently with my full pack of clove cigarettes avoiding being swallowed by the masses of cloaks and decks of Magic The Gathering cards. After being disqualified from a game of thumb wrestling for illegally using the move “The Claw”, I noticed a Tripp pant-ed, Doc Martin boot-ed skinny mess of a boy approach me and my victorious companion. “You guys got any PCP?” he asked. “What, you mean like PCP Angel dust?” I boomed. “Yeah.” he whispered. I was in shock. How old was this boy? Eleven? Twelve? Wasn’t wearing offensively large pants and spiky bracelets enough? Did he need to go so far as to abuse PCP? Couldn’t he and his friends hide out after school and smoke Virginia Slim 100 Ultra Ultra Not Really Even A Cigarette Lights? “No, no, no my friend. Those! Those drugs you are looking for, they are illegal. And that is bad.”

There have been countless times I’ve been hit up for weed, but that’s never just limited to venues, it happens all the time or even when I get lost in the cosmetic section at Safeway. Hopefully not too many people take these drug peddlin’ dogs up on any of their really good holiday sales this season. Drugs are pretty silly and I know I’ve missed a few shows because I got lost tying my shoes on drugs and that just not cool when you’re wearing moccasins.

Bottom line. No matter what venue you’re at or what band you’re hopping around to, someone will be drunk, they will pee on the floor in the bathroom, and you will step in it. So, remember to wear protective booties and be glad your nasal passage hasn’t eroded away.