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Blending a family
One of the most stressful events in blending a family has to be introducing the children to each other. In some cases, there’s a large gap in ages between them when, for example, one of the parents has grown children of their own that are out of the house. In other cases, mainly when the parents are still fairly young, the children are around the same age. Obviously, the first thing to do is to speak with your children privately. Answer any questions they may have. Ask them if they have any concerns. Secondly, it is imperative that the parents have put a plan in place as to how they will accomplish their goal in blending the children. Rules must be set in terms of discipline, chores, rewards, time together, etc.
At the beginning, I suggest you still make time to spend time alone with your kids; at least, to give them an opportunity to voice their opinions. Another important fact to keep in mind is that they do not see your spouse as an authority figure yet, so each parent should be implementing the discipline to their own children. As time goes by, and they see your unity and like-mindedness, the disciplining can shift to include the other parent. Each parent must back up the other parent. If your children see that you do not agree with your spouse or respect their decision, his/her authority will be undermined and the kids will have a hard time listening to them next time. If you do not agree with your spouse’s decision on any particular matter, you should speak about it privately first until you come to an agreement and then come back to the children together and make any corrections.
Early on, the parents should discuss everything first before giving an O.K. or punishing to make sure both parents are on board. Children, by nature, have a way of dividing and conquering to get their way. They know if they can get sympathy from their own parent in order to get what they want. If they see their own parent being undermined, they will certainly rebel against the stepparent. It is natural for them to look to their own parent to get approval after being told something by the new stepparent. Don’t be offended, it’s very normal. This, however, is one of the biggest ways your marriage can be torn apart. We, as parents, have a biased opinion of our children and will tend to protect them, sometimes even out of guilt. This will create a chasm between you and your spouse and can easily become a source of resentment for both of you. If your stepchild is not minding you, you need to go back to square one and have the natural parent do the disciplining. You as the parent must slowly allow trust to build between your spouse and your children and vice versa.
There should never be arguing about this in front of your children, or blaming, finger pointing, name calling etc. I have seen this way too many times to say that it is a sure fire way to dismantle the family unity. You must show respect for your spouse and their children first, before you ever expect any respect back. Make it clear to the children that you are a team and a united front and respect and obedience for both parents are expected, without compromising your own intimate relationship with them. Designating certain nights for family activities are a great way to build relationships. Implementing date nights with your own children as well as your stepchildren individually is also good for solidifying ties and building trust. When our children were little, we implemented the game “Caughtya”. Every time we witnessed or ‘caught’ one of our children doing something nice for one another, we would yell “caughtya!” They would then get a point on the board. When they had ten caughtyas, they got to go on a date with the parent of their choice. This brought much laughter and fun to our home.
On a more serious note, if, however, you feel your opinions are not being valued or your children are being abused in any way, you must seek help from a professional or clergy member. If your stepchildren are abusing you or one of your children and your spouse is not addressing or rectifying this, you should consider a time of separation to seek counsel. These are special cases, which are never to be tolerated in order to keep the marriage together.
Blending a family is very difficult and takes a lot of patience and love, especially when there are other parents involved. But, in the end, it is also very rewarding when the children see each other as brothers and sisters, and you have built a lifetime of memories, laughter, and tears. Your marriage will probably be stronger than most after surviving the raising of your children. You’ll have probably worked more on your family, marriage, and relationships, than any intact family and it does pay off. No matter how hard it seems, love is always worth it.
For more help see Blended Family Advice
Blended Families
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