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Star Trek fraud legal and lucrative
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The best frauds are the legal ones, where some diabolical character figures out a way to do something that's soul-shatteringly wrong--and leave the authorities gasping for air when they find that no statute has been violated.
A multi-hundred million dollar example is J.J. Abrams' new Star Trek, which is essentially High School Musical set on a space ship stage that looks about as high tech as the dashboard of an AMC Gremlin.
I'm really not a Star Trek fan, but I am a student of bad remakes. This ghastly Star Trek was clearly designed to harvest the cash of a generation as callow as the producers and directors of the movie.
The Star Trek franchise has been so deeply burned into the genetic memory of American audiences that you could make a Star Trek movie reality show with all the roles played by chimpanzees--and millions would trudge zombie-like to view the carnage. And dole out their hard-earned shekels to pay for it.
Given the casting of Chris Pine for Captain Kirk, I assume movie theaters are installing vomitoria in all aisles. The sight of Pine's trailer-wide forehead and rodentine eyes will undoubtedly invoke painful memories of his role in The Princess Diaires II, which will set off a chain reaction of popcorn hurling and soda spewing the likes of which this great nation has never seen.
Shatner's Kirk was a bit of a swine, but at least he looked like he was old enough to drink legally. Pine's character looks like he's hiding out from gym class to avoid being pink bellied.
The choice of Pine actually makes the simian Scott Bakula look plausible as Captain Archer in Star Trek: Enterprise.
Mr. spock will be played by Zachary Quinto, whose lupine visage is the sort of thing that makes owners of Have-a-Heart traps switch back to the old iron clampers.
Anton Yelchin as Chekov. Speaking of way too young, Yelchin looks like something that exited the womb prematurely--and is still trying to crawl back in.
John Cho as Sulu: Obviously coke is still big in Hollywood. Maybe the movie will take us to an interstellar White Castle where no man has gone before.
Casting Simon Pegg as Mr. Scott could bring about the movie's financial downfall. Audience members remined of all the entertaining movies Pegg's been in are likely to demand a refund of the simoleons they squandered on the new Star Trek.
The rest of us shall have to continue working for a living.
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