Sex and drugs: A modest proposal for new ETFs

April 24, 8:47 AMSF Financial Fraud ExaminerPaul Springer

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ETFs, or exchange traded funds, first became popular as listed proxies for such plain vanilla indexes as the S&P 500 (ticker: SPY) and top 100 Nasdaq issues (ticker: QQQQ).

Now we have a plethora of ETFs for all manner of sectors and asset classes, including shares that short the markets with massive leverage.

But we need more. If nothing else, the last year's maelstrom of black swans and hard times has amply shown that there are still areas we could all profit from investing in--if we just had the right ETF to do it.

Some suggestions for the folks at PowerSharesand Barclays

Ponzi ETFs: Need to squander inherited wealth you didn't work in a day in your life for? No need to seek out a smooth talking fake hedge fund manager previously barred by the SEC--just lose your shirt by pouring your trust fund into the new PONZ shares.

You'll be broke and whining to the press before you know it.

Illegal Drugs: Obscene returns from big pharma not enough for you? Get HIGHs to enjoy the rich, flavorful risk/reward ratio as South American drug cartels and East L.A. gangs.

Prostitution: The new SUCK shares provide all the financial growth of your own stable-without all the hassle of bitch slappings and beat-downs. Plenty of opportunity for a variety of related shares for long and short interests, spreads, over & unders.

Uninsured America: Purchase SICK shares and tap the river of income flowing into collection agencies that are driving uninsured citizens into bankruptcy for not paying their medical bills on time.

Loan sharking: Why invest in a shaky bank when the new VIGG shares put you where the real money is changing hands--out in the alley with a guy named Bubbles. Class A and B shares give you a choice of investing in lenders with or without pinky rings.

Plastic surgery: Times are hard, but the rich and fatuous are still funneling millions into the reconstruction of faces withered by too many years of guzzling cocktails made of Dom Perignon and Botox. Buy your MUGGs today, or wait for the separate Michael Jackson issue soon to come.

Carbon Credits: Load up on CARBs to invest in green building and energy providers. Or sell them short and profit from the death of your own planet.