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Surviving the holidays with your partner's family
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Even if the only thing at the table drier than the turkey is Grandma Agne's vagina, smile and ask for seconds.
If your family gatherings typically involve violence, it can be hard to integrate your partner into the chaos. But even more precarious is that moment where you're introduced to your partner's family and the pressure to dazzle their kin with your wit and kindness over yams has you sweating more than Michael Richards at an NAACP banquet. So if you're meeting your beloved's family for the first time over turkey or mistletoe, here are three tips to make your "like me, for the love of god, like me" mission a little easier:
1. When in Rome…
I’m a hardcore night owl that adores caffeine, oatmeal for dinner, politically incorrect television programming, and excessively high thermostats. But when I fly across the country to meet my boyfriend’s parents for the first time this holiday season, my eccentric lifestyle will take a backseat to his family’s traditions and preferences. I don’t view this as a sacrifice; part of the fun of meeting the kin of someone you’re crazy about is emerging yourself in their lifestyle and getting a true sense of the important people that helped make your sweetie the fabulous human being they are today. And FYI: I just found out my boyfriend’s mother enjoys sleeping until noon during the holidays. I like her already.
2. Handle nosy questions with dignity
“So when are you two getting married?” always seems to render a couple silent. Here are some replies to get relatives to back off:
- “I refuse to marry her until she converts from Satanism to Christianity.”
- “We’ve actually been married for almost two months now. What with a baby on the way…”
- “He says he’s not sure if he’s ready to commit. I keep poking holes in the condoms to get the ball rolling, but so far no luck.”
- “Why get married when we can live in sin? Shacking up and engaging in casual copulation is very hip now (save this one for grandparents).”
I am, of course, kidding. A polite “you’ll be the first to know” response won’t come off as defensive and encourages the questioner to start a new topic.
3. Stay away from controversial or edgy issues right off the bat
If you’re screaming at Uncle Sal and insisting that abortion is murder thirty seconds into dinner, something has gone horribly wrong. Shortly after introducing my college boyfriend to my grandmother at a holiday gathering, she quickly pressed him for his thoughts on capitol punishment. “You do think that people that commit horrible crimes should die hard knocks deaths, don’t you?” she said. “If you ask me, they should really consider bringing back firing squads…” If you’ve known your partner’s family for ages, then you’ll already have a good sense of their comfort level regarding politics, colorful language, and religion. My mother and father are pretty swingin’ cats, but if you drop an f-bomb during dinner then my mom will assume the look of a traumatized puppy and my father will shake his head in disgust at your lowbrow ways. So don’t swear, preach, or push people into hot button issues…unless your in-laws are the Sopranos.
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