Breaking victim addiction

April 5, 7:12 PMSeattle Conscious Living ExaminerKamala Chambers

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Have you ever tried to help someone, and just ended up feeling hurt?  Do you find yourself going out on a limb for people, and you end up with the short end of the stick?  Have you heard of the victim triangle?  

Most people are unaware that they react to their lives as victims.  Whenever we don't take responsibility for our own actions, words, and thoughts we're playing the victim.

Recognizing when you're playing Victim...

"*The victim says, "poor me."
*Feels victimized, oppressed, helpless, hopeless, powerless, ashamed
*Looks for a Rescuer that will perpetuate their negative feelings.
*If stays in Victim position, will block self from making decisions, solving problems, pleasure and self-understanding."
 

The victim will look for other victims to "save" in order to help themselves.  The victim becomes the rescuer.  

Recognizing when you're playing Rescuer...
 

"*The rescuer says, "let me help you/ I can save you."
*Rescues when really doesn't want to.
*Feels guilty if doesn't rescue.
*Keeps victim dependent.
*Expects to fail in rescue attempts."

When you try to rescue someone else rather than empower them to help themselves, you will get persecuted.  When you are persecuted, you quickly plummet back to being a victim.  

Recognizing when you're playing Persecutor...

"*The persecutor says, "it's all your fault."
*Sets strict limits unnecessarily.
*Blames
*Criticizes
*Keeps Victim oppressed
*Is mobilized by anger
*Rigid, authoritative stance"
 

An example, I was trying to help a friend out of a "bad" relationship (Rescuer.)  Every time I tried to do something to get her out of it, it blew up in my face.  Her boyfriend would become verbally violent towards me, and I nearly lost my friendship (Persecutor.)  I spent a long time feeling so hurt that she would stay with someone who would be so cruel to me (Victim.)  Then, I would try to rescue her all over again.  This painful process kept repeating itself.

So how did I break the victim, rescuer, persecutor cycle?  I decided that I loved myself too much to continue to hurt myself with feelings of resentment.  I had avoided my friend's boyfriend for months, and felt a terrible pain every time I saw him.  After deciding to love myself enough to forgive, I greeted him with a big smile and a heartfelt embrace.  I can't begin to express how wonderful it felt to let go and let love.  It feels so much better to love and accept people than to hold onto pain!

I came to the realization that harboring anger and resentment towards him was just a way of continuing to hurt myself.  I was able to hold both him and my friend in a state of love and compassion.  They don't know any better.  They've both been hurt and so they are used to hurting and being hurt.  

Now, my friend is asking for help.  She wants to get out of the relationship because he is verbally abusive to her.  And now, I can support her by empowering her to make the change, because she is finally ready to change.    

When we hold onto feelings of resentment and anger and pain, we only hurt ourselves.  People tend to want to hold onto pain and hurt, but all that does is perpetuate the internal misery.  Don't you feel good when you have loving and accepting feelings, and don't you feel bad when you have hateful and fearful feelings?  So why hang onto the hurt?

When other people dish out abuse, say to yourself, "Poor person, they don't know any better.  When they try to hurt me, they only hurt themselves, because they are the ones with the anger and pain."  When someone serves you a plate of crap, you don't have to eat it!   Say thanks for the gift, but I don't want it.