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Prominent oath-breakers overwhelmed by adultery's impact: McNair, Cutié, Ensign and Sanford
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Marriages have problems. There's not a one that doesn't. But problems have to be met head on, discussed, diffused, or sadly and jointly concluded that the relationship isn't working and steps need to be taken to end or transform the relationship. And then you need to go somewhere and lick your wounds. You do NOT need to jump into another relationship to prove to yourself and your ex-partner that you're incredibly desirable. It's the worst thing you can do for your and your family's healing.
Stepping out on your baby before the above things happen allows so much greater damage to happen.
The problems with adultery start when the person involved begins to lie to him or herself. "I'm misunderstood, another person will understand me better and I won't hurt anyone because no one will ever find out." But something always happens, people always find out. Often they find out because the person who lied or cheated can't live with him or herself and needs to put the burden down.
Lying to yourself, and then by extension to everyone who comes along afterwards, is a bad precedent to set. It is not healthy to live out of balance with your integrity. And integrity is not compartmentalized. If you erode it here, you erode it there, and pretty soon your most precious possession unravels.
People say, "this doesn't make them a bad person." No. But it should make you question their judgment. It should help you step up to say, "this is not where you want to go." No matter how painful it is to say this, they are not being good family people when they're lying to themselves and stealing time and money from their family.
What happened to these four recently famous adulterers?
Steve McNair. This is the most tragic of any of these situations. He's dead by his lover's hand. She became frightened that her world was not going to look the way she had planned it out and could not find another way out. From all accounts his wife and children were unaware of his infidelity. They're not only coping with his death, they have to come to terms with the fact that this man was not only the generous, incredibly talented person they knew and that he had separated himself from them, without giving them warning.
Alberto Cutié. He had perhaps the most intimate of bonds, an oath that he had made to the Church and to God. Whether or not you agree with the Church's position on celibacy and priests, the oath you take is a solemn and sacred one. This man has lost his intimate relationship with the sacraments. He has lost the respect of his parishioners who feel betrayed in their expectations of priestly sanctity. To have married (one of the sacraments) in a quick legal ceremony would be a real reminder of everything he had lost. It would look different if he had separated himself before embarking on this relationship. In addition he compromised his sexual ethics as a priest by having a relationship with a parishioner while functioning as a priest.
John Ensign. He has sacrificed much of his career. He has managed, it seems, to hold onto his marriage, but the toll will be enormous and long lasting. But the ethics questions will dog him forever. He was paying his lover's husband as well as his lover. (Can you say EWWWW?) He employed his lover's child. The people who elected him are going to have to consider what else he has compromised because he wanted something for himself. At some point it seems that he realized how wrong he was and 'fessed up to his wife and later, when it threatened to boil over, he acknowledged his culpability and quit his leadership position.
Mark Sanford. He lied to his wife. He lied to his children. He lied to the people who elected him to run the state and failed to fulfill his duties. He lied to his aides. He may be asked to step down from his job, but he has certainly ruined any political chances. He took no responsibility, which may be the most difficult to swallow. The love was bigger than he was, so he didn't have to make ethical choices in the mist of the euphoria.
The hard news for all of these people, and many like them, is that we all need to make good ethical decisions. Life is difficult. It is not fair. There are temptations galore. Part of being an adult is understanding and protecting the value of your word. What you do about sex isn't only about your body. It isn't even only about your hearts. It is also about your word. "Keeping myself only unto you," means that you have made a commitment. Soul mates and hot sex are no reason to compromise yourself.
When your head gets turned, or your heart, take the time to figure out what you have, what you'd risk and what you really want. We all lust after things we can't have or aren't good for us. Being a person of your word means recognizing that you can't always have those things, or that you can only have them at very great expense. How good you feel at the moment will not justify how badly those whose hearts you break with your lies will feel. And if you aren't willing to look at that, you are damaging your integrity. Do you want this simply to be the first time you didn't keep your word? I don't think so. Wedding vows are sacred oaths, which you promise to uphold. If you find yourself unable to do that, then acknowledge that, and change them, before you do yourself and your family irreparable harm.
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