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Governor Sanford, soul mates, wives and excuses
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Photo from toppyayingideas.com. Governor "the devil made me do it" Sanford
The papers have been full of the sordid details of Mark Sanford's infidelity in Argentina. (And of course his minor extramarital excursions while in the company of his buds while hanging in bars.)
There are many side-effects that will play out in this family's life, whatever decisions are made. The family unit has been wounded by the deceit and it will not be surprising to find out that the wounds were compounded by the public nature of the infidelity and the governor's confession.
Two of Sanford's responses to this crisis are particularly disturbing.
- No responsibility. His spiritual advisor has said he was under the influence of the darkness, or some such religious twaddle. Which takes us back to Laugh In and Flip Wilson and "the devil made me do it." Big girls and boys have to take responsibility for what they do. The devil doesn't force anyone to do anything. People have choices and they make good choices and they make bad choices. When the bad choices get made the blame falls on the chooser. And almost no one I know is going to think that adultery is a good choice. Not in love with your spouse and considering an affair. That's a signal for getting marriage counseling, not for starting an affair.
- Justification. The governor was able to justify this affair by saying that he had found his soul mate. Perhaps it's old-fashioned to believe that soul mates are made not discovered. People who answer all the questions we didn't know we were having are simply a good indication that we aren't paying attention to our life. (Do you remember Tigger's running around the Hundred Acre Woods declaring – until he discovered extract of malt – that "this" is what Tiggers like? That's a little like the way people attach themselves to soul mates. No, this is my soul mate. No, wait, this is my soul mate. With all due respect, Governor, pay attention.
Marriages break up. This is a sad truth. But it's important that the people ending marriages do so in a way that honors the marriage, their partners and themselves. Willful self-indulgence does not help your family. It does nothing for your self-respect. (It's often an indication that you've given up self-reflection for good, which is not an aid in any life.)
Your goal in marriage is to keep moving from "I do" to happily and healthily ever after. "The devil made me do it" and "Everything was justified because it's bigger than I am" are simply the meanderings of an immature mind and heart. The person you married deserves better. So do you.
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