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Holiday Hints: Advent - Day 16
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December 16: We've been using Advent as a lens to look at who we are. "Oh, I'm a person who celebrates in this way." With a little short history taking, we can see how our holiday patterns evolved. Your curiosity has led you through the "Oh, you're a person who celebrates in this way," which leads to "Wow, here's where we're similar and here's where we're different."
We then need to work our way through to making peace with our differences and figuring out how we'll celebrate together. (Have you figured out where you're spending what part of the holiday?)
One of the most difficult dances of relationship is that dance between I and we. The emphasis in popular psychology moves back and forth with the years. But the fact is each couple must find their own balance. That balance is always elusive and always changing, but it is dependent upon our ability to dwell comfortably, as the French say, in our own skin.
Here's the sweetest gift you'll ever receive: your partner has seen you for who you are and is willing, even eager, to move forward into shared life. That's pretty great. Moving forward does imply changes in both the "I" part of relationship and the "we" part. (And you get to unwrap this gift often. The more often, the better!)
So, light your three pretty Advent candles and tuck up on the couch. After a day of balmy deception (while it was snowing in Las Vegas, for pete's sake) winter is back. Are you enjoying these quiet moments together? (WP has a motive here! More quiet, relationship-building minutes for couples.) Why not do a little marriage planning?
People always tell you marriage will change your lives. Most of us say, "nah, we're living together, it'll be the same." But the fact is, marriage should change your life. And what nobody tells us is that we get to decide HOW marriage will change our lives. So play with these questions a while, remembering that you're looking at an amazing adventure you're going to take with your beloved. This is no chore, this is romance at its best!
- What do you want from marriage? (Big dreams here!)
- What will you contribute to marriage? What do you see as your responsibilities? Get concrete. Affection is one thing; laundry is another. Both are vital.
- How will you maintain your individuality? (work, hobbies, friends)
- How will you support your partner's individuality?
- How will you work to create your partnership?
- How will you represent it in the world? (The more time you spend talking up your relationship, the more you believe it's grand and the more it IS grand.)
Make a little progress and then get back to writing some holiday cards, or whatever other holiday chore you've chosen for tonight. Put on some fun music and enjoy the best part of the holidays. Hanging at home with your beloved!
One more way to move from "I do" to happily and healthily ever after.
(And remember, I need your help to keep this column current and interesting. Write to me with ideas to explore. Put The Wedding Priestess in the subject line.)
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