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Good pets come to those who wait
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Happy Holidays one and all. Sorry I've been away for awhile but there was a whole "thing" between me and AT&T. After some negotiations, a cherry pie and a steel cage match everything has been resolved (for now at least) and it's back to business.
So the one question everyone has been asking me is, "should I get my <insert loved one here> a pet for the Holidays?" The answer? NO!! NEIN!! NYET!! Why you ask? Well, for a few reasons.
One. It's a hassle. First you have to pick the animal out, then you have to get the store to hold the animal for you until the night before, then you have to bring the animal home and hide it somewhere where NOBODY can keep an eye on it so you spend the whole night wondering things like , "did it get out?", "has it found my super secret Cheetos stash?", "is that a gerbil nibbling on my ankle or are those her toenails?" Nobody wants that. Most reputable pet stores will actually reduce their stock of animals in order to discourage the whole ordeal.
Two. Everybody will inevitably be disappointed. How can that be you ask? My loved one is getting exactly what they asked for aren't they? No, actually they're not. The average person wants to choose their pet and their car more than they do their underwear. Anyone who has had a pet for any extended period of time knows how important the bond that forms between pet and owner is (my mom used to refer to it as Boy and His Dog Syndrome and I am the poster child for it) and that bond begins to form in earnest at the point where a person says, "That's it! That's the one!." You don't want to interfere with that do you? How horrible would you feel if, instead of the sparkling glow of excitement on the face of your loved one you got..."oh, hmm, it's white. I kinda wanted a brown one."
So what's the solution? Simple. Go ahead and buy everything else for the animal that you possibly can, and I mean EVERYTHING! Collars, beds, wheels, chewy thingies, food, bowls, cages...everything! Then, cut a picture of the animal from out of a magazine, or print one from online. If it's something small like a hamster, go out and buy a toy replica, set up the cage and place the fake in the cage for the person to see. That way they have something to open, you get to see that gleam on their face and you get to go with them and experience the joy of watching them choose just the right companion for them. They're happy, you're happy and you have managed to acquire a boatload of brownie points that will never expire.
Now there's always at least one person in the crowd who thinks that they know better than the experts. For you, I offer this little anecdote. One year, my eldest goddaughter, Michelle, let me know that she wanted a bunny for her birthday. She, of course, didn't tell anybody else (like oh, say, her parents) this. Well, being the man who puts the "God" in Godfather and being the manager of a pet store at the time I made my little angel's wish come true. She was ecstatic! Her parents, mmm, not so much. Problem one. Problem two was that, unbeknownst to me, the bunny was, in fact, the Savage Demon Rabbit of the Lost Dimension. This was the most savage 1.5 pounds of fluffy-tailed fury ever! I swear the thing wasn't born, it was summoned from inside a pentagram! It attacked everybody! Except me and Michelle. We never figured out why that was but after Michelle's father lost the nail on his ring finger to Bunn-elzebub the entire experiment came to an end. The last time I saw the bunny it was in a cage at the local animal shelter, it jumped off of a doghouse and dropped a flying elbow on a rottweiler. A small labradoodle came over, counted to three and declared the bunny the new Heavyweight Champion of the World. I lost track of him after that but I heard that Vince McMahon offered him a contract.
All of this could've been avoided if I had only taken my own advice. But I didn't know then what I know now.
