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My definition of word vomit
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I really don't comprehend anything about society. Really I don't. And I came to the conclusion all humans are inherently stupid, everyone. Albeit some obtain a lesser degree of stupidity than others, but it's still there.
I went into Starbucks today. [Make a mental note that as a psych major I go to these places on purpose and yes I enjoy paying $5 for a urine sample size cup of caramel covered diabetes they call "frappuchino"]. Almost everytime I go to this place I see the dumbest people.
If you've ever been to starbucks, you know they have their own coffee lingo. [And if you haven't been to starbucks that dunkin commercial where they speak "franglish" is distinctly mocking starbucks lingo]. If you want a urine sample size it's called a tall, a normal cup is a grande, and a caffeine addicts' is viente.
This woman in front of me, clearly she is a dunkin customer. Everyone in this place is all conservative business casual attire, and this woman sticks out like a drag queen in church. She was wearing a skirt barely there [which by the way she did NOT have the legs for] and a god-awful trench coat . Anyway the point, she thought she was hot stuff. I love when people think they're God it makes my life. So she gets up to the counter and she wants a grande Americana with low fat creamer and 2 splendas, however she can't speak Starbucks. She asked for a medium regular cream 2 sugars.
The cashier, CLEARLY has never been to any other coffee place ever in her entire life because she looked like a deer in headlights. She was so confused and she was asking the lady if she meant Americana and grande and yadda yadda. At this point the lady obviously must have dementia because she's forgetting what coffee place she walked into. NO I WANT A MEDIUM...ugh so it goes on. I decide to make life easy for everyone [god forbid anyone ever try to help out] and I tell the cashier in Starbucks lingo what the lady wants.
This woman turns to me with the DIRTIEST LOOK and says, "Excuse me I can order my own coffee and I'm into men so if your trying to impress me you won't."
I swear. That is what she said. [And I'm sure anyone who knows me at all and reading this is now biting their fingernails with anticipation of what came out of my mouth next.]
I looked at her and said "Damn because really that is exactly what I do, I find woman overly clad in gaudy gold jewelry to pick up in coffee places because clearly if I am trying to help you out and get you out faster I MUST be a lesbian. And I was hoping you'd actually let me pay for your beverage because I figured chipping in that $3.79 was going to impress you enough for you to let me drive your overpriced toyota [that's known to common people as a lexus]. But unfortunately for me you figured out my life long goal and not only am I going to have to go to a different Starbucks, but I am going to have to change my identity because you're most likely going to walk out of this place and tell all of your stepford wife friends that a chick tried to pick you up in Starbucks."
She bought every single word of this and responded with "You gay people gross me out."
*insert bad soap opera drama music and long tense pause here*
I looked at her and when my laser vision failed, I opened my mouth and word vomit happened. I said to her, "First of all Princess I'm not gay and if you had any brain cells in that head of yours you'd know that by the heavily sarcastic theme my speech had. I'll break it down for you in big girl words ok stay with me now...I'm not gay and even if I was that would have had nothing absolutely nothing to do with your lack of observation skills. If you looked up at that board right there you'd see the sizes and know a medium meant grande and I was not trying to BUY you a drink I was translating to the twit behind the counter. So I highly suggest you get your head out of your ass and look to the real world because no one thinks that highly of you to begin with I'm certain and as much as I'm sure you'd love for me to get on my knees and bow to your Jimmy Choos [designer shoes in case no one knows], I don't even get on my knees in church. And for the record, the guy making your drink is gay and I hope he urinates rainbows into your drink. I hope you have a fantastic day once you realize I just verbally beat the crap out of you."
Needless to say I didn't get my drink. And I'm still pissed off. That's probably the last time I try to help a stranger out, well in that place anyway. This all goes along with the last article I posted, that whole being nice to people thing. Stop laughing, I said I was working on it. Let this be a lesson to all.
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