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Doggy humor: A doggy fable
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Hobo Hudson
By Hobo Hudson. Once upon a time, a young computer genius sat hunched over his computer, idly surfing the Internet. He happened upon a large social network, and the idea struck him. Why don’t I create a kingdom for dogs, closed off to humans, where dogs can just be themselves, making friends with every dog they see?
He quickly set to work writing and copying and pasting. After a year or so, he had it all finished. He even wrote up a set of rules for every dog to follow. However, he hit a snag. The rules said that no humans could enter the dog kingdom except merchants selling items dogs might want to buy.
Since the creator of the dog kingdom was a human and didn’t have a dog, he found himself in a jam. To wiggle himself out of it, he roamed the Internet and found a photo of a beautiful little female dog. He stole the photo from its Web page and proclaimed the depicted dog the royal head of his founded kingdom.
Setting her reign in motion, the creator handed her Highness gold coins, and she bravely ventured out into the world to claim her kingdom. She bought a small castle and hired some border guard dogs to ward off all humans. Soon, word of the wondrous kingdom circulated throughout the world, and dogs came running to see what it was all about.
As each dog entered the kingdom, he received a set of rules that he would have to follow. After having perused the rules, some dogs turned around and left, but others decided to stay and became loyal subjects.
One day, her Highness trotted into the kingdom’s treasury to fetch some gold coins to pay her employees and discovered that the treasury was almost empty. Scratching and scratching behind her ears, she finally figured out what was happening. The number of human merchants, willing to pay an entrance fee for having access to the kingdom to offer their goods, was not sufficient to cover all the expenses.
Since her Highness was a benevolent ruler, she refused to tax her subjects. Instead, she devised a plan to sell a commodity called “credits” which her subjects could use to buy cheap trinkets, intended as gifts for fellow dogs. Her plan worked great, and she could now meet her expenses. However, she could not save enough gold to maintain her desired lifestyle.
Hence, her Highness came up with yet another plan. She would offer to store all the gifts on special shelves in an unoccupied area of the castle. Her subjects rejoiced, and everyone now brought their gifts for storage. Unfortunately, a burglar broke in and stole all the gifts, and a deep howl of grief engulfed the realm. To pacify her subjects, her Highness generously offered everyone three years of credits but would take back any credits not spent within two months.
With the new arrangement, the dogs felt very wealthy and began spending credits madly. They gave gifts not only to friends but to dogs they barely knew, and they even found a way to put gifts in every letter they wrote.
Nevertheless, the day soon came when the dogs realized they were broke. When their human parents sent them their regular allowance, they yowled, “There’s no way to give every dog gifts on these few coins.” The parents, in a move to stop the howling and yowling, raised their dogs’ allowances, and her Highness smiled as she counted the additional gold coins.
While the coins began to add up, her Highness heard that the adjacent dog kingdom was for sale. In the middle of the night, she trotted over to it and bought all its dogs, having them carried in their sleep to her kingdom. When the seized dogs awoke, confused about where they were and what was happening to them, they started a frantic barking and growling.
Because her Highness had not bothered to tell her new subjects ahead of time about their change of venue, the newly arrived dogs had not packed their address books and money. Thus, instead of settling down and playing happily with the subjects of their new kingdom, the newcomers, feeling isolated and out of place, began barking mean accusations and biting every dog they met. Her Highness didn’t know what to do when her old and loyal subjects complained about the new dogs. Taking the easy way out, she just banished everyone who uttered a complaint.
For a while, her wicked approach seemed to calm things down in the kingdom but, just as she began to relax, a very popular and friendly female dog disappeared. No one knew whether she had escaped or was banished, and rumors began to fly. Dogs were accusing another very popular female dog of having caused the other dog’s banishment, and her mailbox began to fill with vicious threats. Her appeals to the Royal Highness fell on deaf ears, and worried about her wellbeing and integrity, the unjustly accused dog slunk away in the middle of the night.
Her disappearance caused uproar throughout the kingdom, and her Highness was at her wit’s end. As a last recourse, she instructed her guards to muzzle any one of her subjects who even mentioned the dog’s name. If the muzzling wouldn’t work, she threatened to deport any disobedient dog.
Thrown into fright and frenzy, dogs deserted the kingdom in droves. The remainder became afraid to even whisper lest they be overheard. However, a few brave dogs continued to howl, making their voices heard throughout the land. In desperation, her Highness called a meeting of the entire kingdom. She announced the split of the kingdom into tiny townships, surrounded by high fences, and prohibited communications between the townships. She snubbed a dog’s suggestion of posting a list of subjects who had left the kingdom and stating the reasons for leaving, either out of free will or because of banishment. She growled at another dog’s proposal to form a committee of citizens to review the crime before banishment— dilute her authority? Never!
After the meeting, dogs began to slip away, one after another, in search of a new kingdom where they could play and bark as they liked without fear of getting silenced and deported. Two little sisters, fugitives from her Highness’ wrath, pooled their gold and bought enough land to start their own tiny kingdom. They proclaimed that all dogs would be welcome, and nobody would muzzle them.
As the dogs gathered in their new safe haven and began to bark their sad tales of what had happened to them in their old kingdom, word reached her Royal Highness, and she became hysterical. She immediately sent one of her minions on an undercover mission to disrupt the new kingdom. She had miscalculated, however, the resourcefulness of her former subjects who, in no time, unmasked the spy and sent it yipping back to its mistress.
Stay tuned for part two of this exciting fable.
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