Easy Money for the Padres

May 5, 3:33 PMSan Diego Padres ExaminerJudson Green

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Here is the new model for the Padres uniforms.

The Padres pledged early this off-season to cut their payroll by about 40%. I'm not sure how this is going, the efforts to trade Jake Peavy have been a dismal failure. But I know that the main reason for cutting payroll is because the owner, John Moores, is losing money, and cannot afford the salaries he is paying now.

Moores saw no escape but through a payroll reduction. But there is one other option, and while I cannot factually guarantee results due to our economic struggles and general uncertainty about the future, I can guarantee them through the incentive of wishing to make headlines and get my column syndicated.

I propose the Padres start letting companies sponsor players. They could advertise on players' uniforms. Now I suppose this violates some official MLB rule, but that does not present a problem. The MLB higher-ups are focused on solving the steroids problem in baseball, which is so important Congress has gotten involved. They don't have a clue what else is going on. The MLB higher-ups, I mean. I suppose it could hold true of - never mind. The Padres could come out dressed like Formula One racers, and MLB would respond by requesting another Congressional Task Force to investigate steroid use. There are two benefits to this plan. One, it means that they have their priorities straight. And two, it means the Padres can get away with it. Indeed, I encourage them to dress the players like Formula One racers. The uniforms will be ugly, but these are the Padres we're talking about. Remember the '70s? Advertising prices will depend on the location of the ad, and the playing time and prestige of the player.

It doesn't have to end there. Advertising on minor league players' uniforms can be bought relatively cheaply, and can result in big returns if that player makes the big leagues and becomes a marquee player. Of course, the money is lost if the player flounders in the minors and is cut. Prices depend on the location of the ad, and the chances of the player making the majors, as determined by a panel of experts on minor league prospects from various publications like Baseball America and Baseball Prospectus. Product placement is pretty easy.

"Blazing fastball from Heath Bell. But when it comes to speed, nothing is faster than Cox High Speed Internet. 0-2 count on Russell Martin, one away."

And for those who advertise in style, there is the option to show commercials before your chosen player's at-bat. Video does cost more, but seeing your product on the JumboTron makes it all worth it.

Finally, the Padres should do as much as they can to sell these products at Petco Park. It creates a sense of instant results. Fan sees product advertised on player, fan goes down below stands, fan sees product that was advertised on player, fan rationalizes that if player is willing to be a walking billboard for product, then product must be good, fan buys product. Of course, a consumer back home can't just walk under the stands and buy the product he or she sees. They have to drive out somewhere to buy it, at which point they'll convince themselves that it's not worth it, causing economic collapse. Which is why we need to have cameras following the rationalizers at the ballpark. Once people at home see regular people on television buying the product the second it is advertised, those at home will do the same, and our economy will recover. And if people at the ballpark don't buy as soon as something is advertised, television execs can edit the footage to correct that problem.

I'm glad I could help. Although I couldn't have done it without my trusty Sony Vaio, a name consistent with excellence, which I purchased at a discount at Best Buy, where the bargains don't get any better. And of course, Examiner, where every topic has a voice, and every voice has something worth saying.