Coping with a child's first experience with the loss of a loved one

November 30, 11:21 PMWilmington Family Relationships ExaminerAnnmarie Frio

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On November 11, 2008, my daughter had her first real experience with the death of a loved one after my beloved aunt died from cancer.  When I received the news of her passing, I immediately prepared to travel to the services being held in Florida.  As my children were catching the school bus that morning, I explained that I would get them early from school in order to catch the plane.  Before the bus arrived, my daughter rushed back into the house to retrieve pictures and cards she had planned to deliver to my Aunt Loretta.  While the bus driver waited patiently, I did not have the heart to deny my daughter the chance to go back into the house for the letters she believed she would personally deliver later that day. 

During the flight, we spoke about how Aunt Loretta was now in heaven with God.  We said we were going to celebrate her life on Earth with a service to include pictures, family, and friends.  While I thought my daughter understood what was going to happen, she still insisted on taking her letters to Aunt Loretta.  At the services, I was heartbroken to notice my daughter anxiously looking for Aunt Loretta.  She finally said, 'Mom, Aunt Loretta is not going to be here tonight for her party; God will not let her ever leave heaven to play with me, will He?"  While I did not have the emotional strength to answer her question, I just rubbed her hand, smiled through tears and replied, "No sweetheart, she is not allowed to leave."  As the night progressed, she began to realize that while pictures of Aunt Loretta were everywhere, she was not physically with us.

The following days were spent gathered at my aunt's home doing all of the things she loved to do, like playing cards.  After my daughter asked whether Aunt Loretta would ever be her poker partner again, I realized how difficult it is for children to understand the harsh reality and finality of death.  I searched for the perfect book to help me guide a child through such a difficult issue.

Help Me Say Goodbye:  Activities for Helping Kids Cope When a Special Person Dies, by Janis Silverman is an interactive coloring book for children to illustrate their feelings instead of discussing them.  Tear Soup, by Pat Schweibert (Author), Chuck DeKlyen (Author), Taylor Bills (Illustrator), is a story about "Grandy" who "loses someone close," so the loss could apply to anyone.  The story explains that people grieve and describes the various stages of grief.  The book depicts how making "tear soup with Grandy" will help a child learn a valuable lesson on coping with any type of loss.  I Miss You:  A First Look at Death, by Pat Thomas (Author), Leslie Harker (Illustrator) was very helpful in simply explaining what happens in death and relates death to a natural part of life.  The book does not deal with religion and can be used by all families when discussing the death of a loved one.