Top eleven ways to survive Halloween

October 29, 4:42 PMSt. Louis Longevity ExaminerKaren Garcia

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Carry torches to ward off big, intellectually-challenged creatures

So….Saturday is Halloween…and this Examiner is charged with writing about longevity! How in the world is Halloween related to longevity? After some serious contemplation (well…maybe ten minutes or so), the following is a list of the Top Eleven Ways to Survive Halloween and live to see another day!

1. Wear a mask that allows ample vision so as not to walk into the path of a car.
2. Be sure the hem of your princess gown or vampire cape is the right length so as not to trip and fall into a pit, down a steep set of stairs or into the path of a car.
3. Don’t eat any poisonous apples or candy.
4. Don’t eat any candy (unhealthy HFCS…high fructose corn syrup).
5. Keep a cross around your neck and a stake in your bag in case you are approached by a person with oversized incisors and blood dripping from the edges of his mouth, suggesting he’d like to bite your neck!
6. If you hear howling, run like hell! If you’re not a very fast runner, be sure you have a permit to carry a concealed weapon filled with silver bullets.
7. Have someone in your group carry a sharp sword to behead those creepy dead people who are still out there trick or treating, arms outstretched in begging fashion, whether in their normal street clothes or wrapped in bandages.
8. Instead of using a flashlight, use a torch to walk around the neighborhood to ward off big, tall, intellectually-challenged guys with wooden bolts holding their heads onto their necks.
9. Keep your eyes peeled for low-flying broomsticks carrying cackling women with warts on their noses wearing pointy hats…do not let them point their wands at you or mumble strange, unintelligible words in your direction.
10. Make sure you and your friends know CPR in case of unexpected ghost sightings that may cause you or someone else to keel over from a heart attack.
11. Steer clear of those little creatures racing hither and yon carrying pillow cases and plastic containers shaped like pumpkins yelling “Trick or Treat”. If you get in their way, they will trample you with no regret…and take your candy as they go!

If you try to follow these eleven simple rules, you should be able to have a very Happy Halloween this year and for many years to come!

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