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Adoption Options: Is It The Right Option For Growing Your Family?
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Many people arrive at the decision to adopt a child as a means to build or grow their family. But the journey those people take to arrive at that decision can vary drastically from family to family. Perhaps the road of infertility leads people to adoption’s door; perhaps a woman or couple are incapable of caring for a child, and need to know that that child will have what they simply cannot provide, selecting adoption as their path; perhaps a family that has children, be they biological or adopted, is ready to grow and adoption is simply what “feels right.” But whatever the journey, there are some very important points to keep in mind for folks who decide to explore the process as a way to grow a family.
Generally speaking, there are three main types of adoption of newborns. Older children are generally adopted through state agencies and international adoption. The avenue a family pursues should depend, in large part, on the goal(s) of the adoptive parents, suggests adoption attorney and adoptive mother Deborah Spivack, Esq. “A family’s goal will oftentimes determine which type of adoption they should pursue. When it comes to adoption, one size does not fit all.” Adoptive parents must take the time to really evaluate whether or not they want to have a great deal of control over the process or whether they want to put their faith and trust in third parties, such as agencies, and in their belief that they will become parents through adoption. Spivack points out that the conclusion drawn after this evaluation will help prospective adoptive parents decide whether or not they want to pursue a private (or independent) adoption, a private agency adoption or an identified adoption, which is a hybrid of the two.
A private or independent adoption occurs when adoptive parents and birth parents come together, without utilizing an agency. In these cases, attorneys for the parties often assist with accomplishing their clients’ wishes by providing legal services on the case but the relationship built between the parties is privately made and developed with no agency matching the two. It should be noted that an agency is generally involved in providing social service aspects of the case, such as the initial approval report (often called the home study process) and any progress reports required by state law after placement (often called the post-placement evaluations.) But usually, in a private adoption, the adoptive parents have a great deal of control over the adoption process.
A private agency adoption is one where both the birth parents and the adoptive parents come to the agency for services. The birth parents often receive options counseling to help them determine whether adoption is the right course for their family. Similarly, adoptive parents receive education from the agency and prepare a “family profile” for potential birth parents to view. If the birth parents wish to pursue adoption, the agency can present them with profiles of prospective adoptive parents and allow them to select the adoptive parents they wish to parent their child. The agency helps with the match and acts as a liaison between the parties for many aspects of the relationship before and, in some cases, after the adoption.
And there is a hybrid version, which combines aspects of the first two adoption processes. State agencies will usually place older children for adoption only after they become legally available for adoption. Many of these children may reside in foster homes first. Children of all ages can also be adopted through international adoption.
It is important to also realize that some degree of “openness” in adoption is the norm today. Open adoption means that there is “open communication between birthparents and adoptive parents,” writes Maxine G. Chalker, MSW/LSW, founder and director of Adoptions From the Heart. (www.adoptionsfromtheheart.org.)
These days, most adoptions have some degree of openness to them, as years of research and social work studies have led professionals to believe that all the three parties involved do much better in the long run when information can be exchanged. The three parties, or the Triad, are the adoptive parents, the birth parent(s) and the child. The studies have shown professionals that secrecy about a child’s adoption can prove to be very detrimental to that child’s development. Adoptive parents are counseled throughout the adoption process as to the best ways to share “age appropriate” information with their child. The ability to maintain a degree of openness also helps the birth families to heal after going through an adoption. If the Triad can agree to exchange photographs and letters over the years by way of an agency, this can be incredibly cathartic to a parent(s) who may ultimately feel a great sense of loss, despite having made the decision that was truly best for all involved.
It goes without saying that both the adoptive parents and the birth family will undoubtedly encounter the emotional strain and stress that occurs during the adoption process. Adoption counselor and adoptive mother Sasha Martone, MSW, says that “while the paperwork portion of the process is one that is active and can make you feel productive, the emotional component can make adoptive parents feel powerless.” Many times, adoptive parents are mentally ready to become parents, but are forced to remain on other people’s timetables, whether they are waiting to be matched up with a birth mother, waiting for the baby to be born, or waiting to board the plane to go meet their child in another country. “It is so important to have support when deciding to go through the adoption process,” insists Martone, “because the waiting is the hardest aspect, and you are powerless to make it happen in your time.” One of the most important pieces of advice Martone offers is “to be patient. So many times, the catch phrase in adoptive family circles is ‘Hurry Up and Wait.’ If people can go into the process with that mind frame it’s a little easier.” Again, Martone reminds that in addition to patience, a firm network and support system are an absolute must for adoptive parents and birth families alike. The Infertility and Adoption Counseling Center (www.iaccenter.com) is one place where people can go to seek such support, be it through one-on-one counseling, group counseling or through various workshops offered throughout the year for prospective parents and birth families. The Center’s website contains a wealth of information and resources for anyone considering adoption.
A good support system and willingness to participate in counseling are also essential for the long-term mental and emotional well-being of the birth mother. The decision to give a child up for adoption is one that, for many, offers a wonderful solution to a problem. But the emotional impact of this important decision can be heavy and long-lasting, so it is important that the birthmother receive counseling that helps her consider the long and short-term feelings she may experience and enable her to make an informed decision with which she can be comfortable. Emotional counseling and participating in an adoption with some degree of openness can be essential pieces to helping the birth mother heal and recover from a sense of loss.
There are additionally tons of resources available about adoption, domestic and international, written to help all parties of the Triad navigate their journey from beginning to end. Regardless of reason, adopting a child is a wonderful, rewarding option for many people. It builds families for adoptive parents, and it can help a birth family or mother facing an unplanned pregnancy to control their future. And as the journey of adoption ends for adoptive parents, the greatest journey begins: the great journey of parenthood.
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