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Holiday Travel and the TSA
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Richard Colven Reid - Not home for the Holidays!
Please, please, please...Stop holding up the security line.
It's really simple isn't it? 9/11/2001. A day that has a huge impact on all our lives. As travelers, the impact still stains our daily lives. The formation of the TSA has since been established and they are doing a fabulous job of getting us through the security cue with little to no delays.
Some of the TSA agents, obviously stir crazy from repeating themselves over and over again, have begun singing the instructions, or even making little rhymes to help us remember and to add a little enjoyment to what has been a bit of a stressful endeavor that makes us relive the tragedy of it all. Heck, I heard one TSA agent giving instructions in his best Elvis impersonation. Now that's funny.
So what gives, when the guy in front of me, leaving Salt Lake City a couple of weeks ago, starts giving the TSA agent grief because, "in all my trips, I've never had to remove my belt...And I fly twice a week!" Wow, when did flying more often give one privileges? It hasn't, at least not yet. So why do travelers, consumed with the rage of being asked to remove their shoes, watch, or belt all of a sudden become million milers? First, It is a huge insult to those of us who do travel for a living. Secondly, if you traveled twice a week, you're showing those tootsies off and removing that belt, that's right, twice a week. OK, so the TSA isn't always perfectly consistant with what to remove. But that's kind of the point, don't you think?
Ever since December 22, 2001, when that guy Richard Reid, you know the one... The guy who looked like Bill the Cat after a car wreck, yeah the shoe bomber. Well, ever since then, US Travelers have enjoyed the wonderful treat of having to air out those socks, while in the security line. As embarrassing as it may be, it is necessary. I thought that we might see a resurgence of sock darning, but luckily ladies, that hasn't happened as of yet. By the way, you know that the million miler that I was so fyesiciously referring to earlier, had the audacity to file a complaint with the TSA Agents Supervisor! I was appalled. So, I went to Starbuck's, and watched. When he was done, I noticed the supervisor take the TSA agent aside and begin his correction of the situation. Well, I interrupted this HR Review and told how I witnessed this jerk and self proclaimed-million miler giving these smart guy answers to the Agent. As if he purposely was sent there to give the Agent a bad day. The TSA Agent almost fainted in relief. Nether gentlemen could believe that a citizen was coming forward as a witness and offering additional information that illuminated the complaint for what it was...Ridiculous! Other agents showed up to thank me as well. I thought for a moment, that I was going to get a huge round of applaus. This highlights the difficulty that these folks have to face on a day to day basis, from ill informed rookie flyers. As for Richard Reid, his serving Life in prison.
So, in the unlikely event that you are in the security line ahead of me, let me give you some tips on how to make the security process a little bit easier on you, me, and those around us.
To make air travel a little less stressful and to brease through the security line like a tropical wind through a hula skirt, start with some basic principles.
Plan ahead. Pack all of your fluids, liquid soaps, shampoo, cologne, perfume into your checked luggage. That's right, check you damn luggage! I have rarely experienced any delay longer than the excruciating 45 minutes it seems to take United Airlines to get the bags to the belt in San Francisco. So if you're in a big hurry, pack less and carry on. Otherwise, check it. If you still insist on carrying your luggage because your flying the Cheap Skate airlines and the addition $25 for servicing your bag is too much to handle, remember this. 3-1-1. 3 ounce liquid container, in a 1 quart zip lock bag, 1 item per bag. For mor on that visit the TSA website at www.tsa.gov
Arrive 2 hours prior to your flight. Check in, drop your checked luggage and hit the security line. This will lower the stress of standing in a long line, while your boarding door is closing. Besides, there is always a $9 coffee-latte-carmel maciado, skinny, with extra squirt, and a half twist of splenda, and whipped cream on top, on the other side of this process. So plan to celebrate. Some non-responsive bastion of customer service will thank you for it.
While in the cue, take off your watch and belt, and place them in whatever you're carrying. For me, its my laptop case. Also, remove your wallet and loose coins. Place them in a pouch inside the case as well. Now, I'm holding my boarding pass, ID, and laptop case.
As I approach the belt, I put my laptop in a bin, my case behind it on the belt (zip up all the external zippers), and I remove my shoes and place them on the belt in front of all my things. No, your shoes DO NOT need a bin. However, my laptop bin will push my shoes through the scanner and down the belt. After all, I'll want to put my shoes on first on the other side before someone notices the mileage on my socks.
If you're wearing a coat, jeans jacket, or sweater like coat, plan on removing this garment as well, and place it in its own bin. If you don't want to, no problem... The TSA will give you a deeper, more personal search(frisking) on the other side. Further delaying your arrival at the $9 coffee bar.
This week alone the TSA reports finding the following.
* 11 passengers were arrested due to suspicious behavior or fraudulent travel documents
* 35 firearms found at checkpoints
* 2 artfully concealed prohibited items found at checkpoints
* 12 incidents that involved a checkpoint closure, terminal evacuation or sterile area breach
Great job guys!
It's a pretty easy process. Just follow instructions. If they ask you to hop on on foot while you're in line, do it. Please, just assume that they have everyone's safety in mind when they inconvenience you, Mr. Million Miler.
For more stories like this one, check out: www.examiner.com/x-1672-Charleston-Travel-Examiner~y2008m11d6-A-Month-in-Europe-is-good-for-the-American-Soul
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