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Reading between the headlines of women's magazines
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There's an image that comes to mind when we think of women's magazines. For example, most females can probably predict the content of the average issue of Cosmopolitan. In fact, even men who have ever been within a half-mile radius of a Cosmo know what to expect inside, from the GUIDE TO GREAT SEX emblazoned in font size 862 across the cover, right above THE #1 TOP SECRET HOTTEST SEXIEST STEAMIEST AMAZINGEST POSITION EVER. And, both sexes would probably agree that for the most part, women do themselves a service by reading the magazine. Flip it open and you'll discover the holy grail of sex, relationship, makeup and clothing advice pushing women to reach their full potential ... of neuroses.
Sure, Cosmopolitan and similar magazines will often also include short articles regarding serious issues, like how to become the most popular girl at work. But 90% of Cosmopolitan's articles seem to have one objective in mind if you read between the mammoth-sized headlines: MAKE A GUY HAPPY. Cosmo suggests several ways of accomplishing this. You could wear those 4-inch stilettos that make your legs look miles long. You could obey the criteria of the "How to be Girlfriend Material" list. You could find out what the ex-girlfriend of Dave, 27, did in bed that totally blew. his. mind, and then dutifully do the same thing from now on because that's how human sexuality works, right?
But Cosmo wants to tell you more than what kind of lingerie 67% of men prefer. A modern woman cannot be expected to have a successful relationship armed with this information alone. No, no, today, Cosmo pushes women to dig deeper into the innerworkings of a man's subconscious. Past Freudian features include "THE #1 TRICK TO ATTRACT HOT GUYS," "HOW I MADE MY BOYFRIEND DO _____" (because subliminal coercion is the key to finding love, who knew?!) and the blatantly stated "LEARN TO READ HIS MIND" (complete with 50 "male phrases" "translated"). And in case Cosmo's vast, oracle-like knowledge of the male psyche doesn't end up applying to your situation (gasp), never fear! The magazine can teach you how to make your skin shimmer subtly in the dim light of a bar, the sight of which will totally catch the eye of that guy over there because a study done by Norwegian scientists showed that men are instinctually drawn toward a healthy glowing complexion, a sign of fertility they can't resist. What Cosmo isn't telling you is that that guy is probably too drunk to notice the degree of glitter all over your body, and that there has not yet been a strategy devised to actually make a guy want to have kids with you--sorry, that's something we women just have to wait out.
Ever thought that the miscommunications between men and women are caused by the media's insistence that women must adapt to please men? Would we be so concerned about dissecting a man's every word to find hidden messages, or figuring out the SIGNS HE'S ABOUT TO PROPOSE (another real life article), if Cosmo wasn't telling us that's what we should be doing, or that it's even possible? Women are stereotyped as being overly analytical, and sometimes just plain psycho in relationships. But how can anyone blame them, with magazines like this telling women that if they would just follow a few simple steps, they can become the ideal woman and the perfect girlfriend?
It's a cruel joke played on women, causing them to drive themselves and their boyfriends into a vicious cycle of insanity and resentment, but hey, at least she'll be a sex goddess in the meantime. This warped lesson in priorities pays off for Cosmo, though, which then gets to be the ultimate authority on how to tell your boyfriend you're upset without sounding upset, looking upset, or making him upset. So worth the $3.99.
The supposed equivalent of men's magazines, such as Maxim, also targets their demographic's primary interests: video games, sports, bikini-clad chicks, electronics/cars (in that order). Get it, ladies? While you're poring over Cosmo trying to figure out why your boyfriend doesn't open up to you by decoding his body language (that's right, also real article), your boyfriend is eating cheesy poofs and playing Call of Duty 4, surrounded by ripped-out photos of athletes and half-naked girls on the wall (read: not stressing out). Perhaps if women's magazines encouraged this same mentality, their readers' love lives would not require the psychic powers of Miss Cleo and a Ph.D. in psychology. As soon as Maxim starts publishing articles entitled "365 Ways To Make Your Girlfriend Feel Loved And Cherished Every Day," maybe I'll start taking Cosmo seriously.
