Heartbreak 101: Getting over it

November 9, 1:26 PMScottsdale Relationships ExaminerRobin Cain

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Have you ever loved someone? I mean really loved someone. I’m talking about the kind of  love that leaves a crater in your heart the size of Nebraska and occupies your thoughts like a festering wound. I bet we all have.  And, just as likely, we've all experienced having that relationship end before we were ready for it to do so. It's the pits, isn't it? 

I think we’ve all been through it – some more than others – but how do we ever get over it?

A friend wrote to tell me about a relationship she is still trying to get over, but her bitterness, sense of rejection and anger still haunts her, preventing her from making a clean break. Another friend (again on the receiving end of a relationship that ended abruptly) tells me that her heart is seemingly too full to let another in.

What’s a person to do?

Whether young or old, everyone is vulnerable to the ravages of lost love. Though it’s said that true love never ends, that is hard for person left behind to believe. In any good relationship, we all try to bare our souls, share our thoughts and dreams, and open ourselves up in an attempt to love. When that love ends, it’s difficult not to feel betrayed. There is nothing more hurtful than to be rejected by the one you love, but inside every pain inflicted is a lesson to be learned.

Everyone we have once loved becomes a part of us and nothing can ever remove those experiences or those memories. It is up to each of us to filter out the good from the bad, learn how to go forward with the knowledge and seek to not make the same mistakes twice.

It has been said that each person comes into our lives for a reason. Either there to fulfill a need or there to see us through to the next step in our lives, each brings something special to our life experience. When one’s heart and head are hurting it’s sometimes difficult to identify the ‘reason’, but it’s important to find that which explains the relationship if one wants to learn, heal and go forward.

Even the worst of experiences with people offer a lesson. It’s more likely that the difficult ones to grasp are the ones when real love is lost. Rejection or abandonment is a hard lesson to wrap one’s head around.

What can you do to feel better?

• Let yourself feel how you feel and share your feelings. Some people find that sharing their feelings with someone they trust — someone who recognizes what they're going through — helps them feel better.
• Remember what's good about you. Never blame yourself for what's happened. Rejection by one person doesn’t define who you are.
• Take good care of yourself. A broken heart can be very stressful. Get lots of sleep, eat healthy foods, and exercise regularly to minimize depression
• Don't be afraid to cry. Releasing some of those raw emotions can be a big help.
• Do the things you normally enjoy. Especially if it used to be your ‘couples’ thing. Start making new memories.
• Keep yourself busy. Sometimes this is difficult when you're coping with sadness and grief, but it really helps get your mind off your heavy heart.
• Give yourself time. Don’t expect to feel better overnight. If the relationship was ‘all that’, then it’s going to take time to forget.

Most importantly, remember that life does go on. Regardless of what happened, the sun will still rise in the morning and the hurt will eventually go away. Stop trying to lay blame, which does no one any good, and work on healing. The love you and the other person felt for each other – regardless of how one of you may be feeling right now – had its time and place. It’s over now, but the memories, experiences and lessons will live on inside each of you.

As they say, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Small comfort, I know, but so true. Wrap yourself in the knowledge that loving yourself is paramount to loving someone else. It is only when you begin to heal that love will find its way back into your heart. 

If you are suffering from the ravages of a bad break-up, the following youtube video may provide some good advice and comfort. If nothing else, it will give you six minutes of self-examination.

Part II can be found here.