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What is the value of being in a relationship for the wrong reasons?
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Grace & Nicolas Roquefort-Villeneuve
Many men and women spend their entire life seeking and then attempting to maintain relationships that are solely based on their constant need for convenience, comfort and (re)assurance.
The energy that originates from this type of need is very much different from choosing to live from a dynamic of ease. In a nutshell and in this context, “ease” means empowering oneself to welcome everything and everyone, positive and negative, invited and (especially) uninvited, without assuming anyone’s environment and whichever things are created inside this environment. But this is not the topic of this article, even though reaching a state of ease in all areas of life could actually represent a very attractive possibility.
This article is about the sources and ramifications around the absolute need most people have to meet someone who will take care of them emotionally, financially and/or sexually.
The categoric refusal to be alone is a great generator of relationships by default. In past discussions, I have oftentimes referred to the aversion most people have to remain alone past a certain age. Since our society views such situation as a great sign of personal failure and total inability to be socially adequate, many individuals, unable to assume such judgments, will react by rushing to the conclusion that they need someone else in their lives.
The important question that needs to be examined is, “Do you really need anyone else to function?” Do you have to rely on another party to be fully functional, not only for yourself but also inside your environment? For example, some people will decide that getting a job requires the approval of the person who is hiring and, therefore, waiting is the only possibility that is available to them. In other words, they have decided that they are not in control of their own destiny.
If we turn the issue around, we can ask the following question: What if you were actually in total control of your life, despite all the programming to which you have been subjected, that stipulates that only others’ decisions can allow you to move on and progress?
When you think that you must wait for others, so your life can finally take a certain turn, where do you place yourself in the equation of your own life? It is true that, in many cases, waiting for an answer regarding the realization of the finalization of a potential outcome exists, but should it prevent you from continuing to live, thrive and possibly prosper? What would you choose? Stay home, by your phone, awaiting a supposedly liberating call, or go out there and create some magic for your life, regardless of what that might mean or look like?
When you have decided that without a mate, your life is empty, what becomes of your own self? Are you then fully dependent on your partner’s decisions, behaviors and moods, whether they truly work for you? Moreover, does it give you any other choice but to hand over all your powers to this other person? When that is the case, is there really anything else to which you can look forward, or have you already completely ceased to exist? You might very likely convince yourself that since you are breathing, therefore you exist. But deep inside, are you still alive?
You might say that there is (some) love in this relationship. However, is it really this love which you know has the power to be nurturing and inclusive, or is it nothing more than a vulgar concept you have fabricated, so you can perpetually reassure yourself that life is not all that bad after all?
When we choose to take an honest look at it, does loving and appreciating oneself require anyone else’s presence to be fulfilled? If it is not the case, then anyone else has the power to become an addition to your life, not a substitution to who you are.
There are men and women who are in relationships for the “wrong reasons.” I just used quotes, because I am not too found of those two words. “Wrong” calls for a judgment; and why would we need any “reasons” to choose anything? Don’t we have the ability to know which decision feels rewarding in the moment, without having to back it with series of justifications?
By “wrong reasons,” I refer to all those compilations which are based on personal need (and greed), and that people create, so they can aim for this one specific person who (hopefully) will fulfill those needs. When expectations of fulfillment are placed on others, they immediately become the sole foundations of the relationship. Expectations are very diverse and, most of times, defy all logic. They can be based on emotional, financial and/or sexual needs. They can also be based on the credit, the validation and the acknowledgement some people must obtain at all costs from others, since it gives them the sense that they indeed exist, that “they are here.”
And what ineluctably happens when the other party stops living up to those (unspoken) expectations? The relationship ends, and a strong sentiment of resentment surfaces. The expected return on investment ends up being quasi-inexistent. This is when reactions such as, “I have wasted ten years of my life in this marriage” start kicking in.
There is no way out of your own self. Engaging into a relationship of any kind for the convenience or the security (emotional and/or financial) might work at first; however it will certainly fail at some point in time.
Grace & Nicolas Roquefort-Villeneuve
contactus@readytochoose.com
www.readytochoose.com
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