The savvy singleton's guide to Thanksgiving Day survival

November 7, 1:09 PMSan Antonio Sex and Relationships ExaminerMichele Gwynn

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With Thanskgiving looming large next week, singletons around the nation are all heaving the same sigh; one that says “How will I get through this holiday intact?” Nothing is worse for a single person than having to deal with all the couples (friends and family) during holiday festivities. It reminds them that they are, indeed, still single! It’s depressing. It’s frustrating, and the holidays become a time where singletons must dodge the ultimate landmine, “So how’s your love life?”

Inwardly, the singleton is screaming “How’s my love life? I HAVE no love life! Can’t you see I’m single and that question you just asked hurts my feelings? Now go away and let me drink myself into unconsciousness!”

On the outside, the savvy singleton learns to deflect this question with a vague reply over a mouthful of turkey and stuffing. This is usually followed up by the master deflector asking the irritating couple-person about his or her fabulous relationship and equally fabulous children. A singleton who has been single long enough knows that this type of question combined with an insincere look of sincerity will set the monstrous couple-person on a path that leads far, far away from them, thus allowing the singleton to enjoy her second helping of mashed potatoes (may as well eat and grow a bigger ass because no one loves me!) and pumpkin pie in peace.

Not to be confused with a need for pity, the singleton’s quest for solitude is merely a coping mechanism that helps get them past a time when being alone on a holiday is considered worse than being the village leper! No one wants to include the single people in their reindeer games. Further, the single person doesn’t want to be included, so there! Holidays alone become something that must be “gotten through” rather than a time to be enjoyed.

One good way to get through this torturously non-cheerful disaster is to schedule several stops at many homes. Take the Tour de Turkey!  Start with family. It’s best to get them out of the way first, No one wants to hear Aunt Mona and mom nagging about how it may be your fault that you’re still single, offering you the “if onlys” on what you should be doing instead of what you are doing! By the time they’re through, the singleton will be deboned and flayed like a hunk of Halibut.

Keep the time with family short, joyfully announcing that you’re expected everywhere this day! Show how “in demand” you are! Who cares if it’s all a rouse to cover the pain? Smokey Robinson’s “Tear of Clown” didn’t happen by accident, you know! He probably wrote that song one Christmas or Valentine’s Day when he was a lonely little Smokey and his family was nagging him with “If you’d just let me fix you up with so-and-so…”. See how he turned lemons into a hit song? You can, too!

Make at least two more stops at various friends’ homes that day. Try to eat only a little bit at each home. Certainly, by the time you’ve hit three stops, the tryptophan in the turkey and copious amounts of wine consumed alongside of it will have put you into a right and proper turkey coma! After the third stop, drag your carcass and your food-bank amount of leftovers home where you can finish off that last bottle of White Zinfadel in your jammies, sitting in your easy chair next to your cat. Yes, all singletons are required to have a minimum of one cat; otherwise, you won’t receive the newsletter or the golden cat pin.

By this time, the savvy singleton realizes that the horrid Thanksgiving holiday is just a few hours away from being in the past tense. Before passing out in a pool of drool, be thankful to wine-makers throughout history who make running the gamut of single holidays possible. And rejoice! Christmas is now a whole month away…..
 

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All articles by Michele Gwynn are under copyright and cannot be reposted in part or whole without written permission by the author.  For permission, email megwynn@msn.com.