Every Tom, Dick, and Harry vs B.O.B.

October 26, 8:47 PMSan Antonio Sex and Relationships ExaminerMichele Gwynn

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In the battle of the boyfriends, a girl wonders every now and again if it’s all worth it to have live over Memorex. What this means is this; choosing all the good, bad and ugly that comes with a living, breathing, burping boyfriend or finding a nice Battery Operated Boyfriend (with a warranty). So, for fun, I thought I’d break it down and then let you decide what works best for your situation.

B.O.B. (battery operated boyfriend) – Bob is a swell guy. He doesn’t even mind if you call him by another name! In many ways, he is the ideal man. Here’s why:

1. He comes in all shapes and sizes – He can stimulate you simultaneously in up to three different spots at once depending on the which type of vibrator you buy. It’s entirely up to your personal preference if he is large, small, compact, portable, smooth, ridged, cylindrical or life-like. BOB can move in small circles, have a tongue, vibrate like a purring kitten or roar like a Harley! This versatile lover comes with accoutrements such as stands for those who like to ride like a jockey on crack, or roll with the ocean waves. He even comes in awesome colors to include glow in the dark and neon.

 
2. He goes as long as you want him to – Yessir! Bob will go as little or as long as you deem necessary. All you need is back up batteries or a plug in for your wall outlet. Both would be a good idea in case of a power outage. He never complains that his back hurts or he’s finished already so why aren’t you? When you say “Ondele” he says “Si, senorita!”

3. BOB doesn’t expect any tit for tat (so many ways to spin that pun) – When you’re finished, he goes quietly into that goodnight…..or the drawer, whichever. With BOB, it’s all about you, baby.

 
4. BOB loves sex – He loves all of it. He’ll never complain about where you put him. He’s into all the freaky-deaky, and the freaky-sneaky, too! BOB can hold his breathe better than a Navy Seal (which might be a fun comparison for those ladies with access to a real Navy Seal!)

5. BOB is easily replaceable and doesn’t mind sharing – You guessed it! You can have your BOB and eat Dick, too. Assuming your real, live sweetie’s name is Richard, BOB will pull a threesome at the drop of a pair of chones! And when his motor gives up the ghost, he can be replaced without any drama.

Now let’s comparison shop the living boyfriend. We’ll call him Mr. Fleshie. This type comes with as many problems as advantages. Again, it boils down to preference.

1. His size is set – You can’t really pick the size you get with the real deal. It is what it is. So here’s hoping it’s a goody. As for the tongue accessory, you have to really readjust position for the real deal, and he might cop out on your before you’re finished. These models are prone to lingual cramping, slipped disks, Charlie horses, and premature ejaculation. It’s basically a crap shoot! (this photo is a friend. Photographer unknown)

2. He won’t always go for as long as you want him to – Citing the previous complaints in numero uno, you may not get your money’s worth out of the humanoid version. The good news is, there’s always Viagra (or a little hard liquor) to improve the run time.

 
3. This model will definitely want tit for tat – There’s no way around it. If he gives it, he’ll want to get it, so be careful where you stick him! He may even demand his portion up front, like a down payment or deposit. The good news is Mr. Fleshie can be negotiated with fairly easily. All you really need to do is send the blood out of his brain down south with a little manual manipulation. The brain is easily confused and agreeable without oxygen!

4. Mr. Fleshie loves sex, too – It’s true. This one loves sex so much he won’t wait for you to pull him out of the nightstand. Instead, he’ll sneak up behind you in bed, usually when you’re sound asleep and feeling not the least bit sexy, and beg and whine for sex like a dog begging for treats. Here’s a nice tip. Keep a rolled up newspaper handy to keep this frisky fellow in line. He may whine about it, but when you’re good and ready to “treat” him, he’ll forget all about his nocturnal reprimand.

5. Mr. Fleshie will only share with BOB – Yes, ma’am. Mr. Fleshie suffers from deep-rooted insecurity and will only share with BOB, and even then, may not want to be outdone by BOB’s high tech finesse. Mr. Fleshie also has limitations on his deep-sea diving abilities. He may not even be a sea-food lover at all! Unlike BOB, he has preferences. Like shape and size, the real, live model may not have all the options you were hoping for, and he’s difficult to upgrade!

However, another advantage to the real deal is this: when you want to be held, kissed, or conversed with, he’s your guy.

Here’s hoping that this little breakdown will put a smile on your face and also help you realize what you really want and need; both!

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All articles by Michele Gwynn are under copyright and cannot be reposted in part or whole without written permission by the author.  For permission, email megwynn@msn.com.