Economic troubles solved!

November 26, 2:17 PMDallas Personal Finance ExaminerTom Mackinnon

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Washington, D.C. - In an unprecedented move, the out-going Bush Administration and the in-coming Obama Administration today announced a unique initiative guaranteed to solve all the economic woes plaguing the country.

 In a joint press conference, President-elect Obama outlined the plan, "I know that these are the toughest economic times I have ever seen." President Bush echoed these sentiments, "I agree with Senator Obama that these are certainly the toughest times he has ever seen."

 Details of the plan were made available to the media in a 53,214 page policy paper, which the President elect insists will be implemented on his first day in office; January 20 of next year, "or sooner, if we can get this lame duck Congress to do anything." The plan includes: 

• A new law making it mandatory that every person living in the US, citizen or not, hold a garage sale in the first half of 2009, with all proceeds going to the Treasury Department for disbursal to the needy corporations, banks and financial institution. These sales will continue as mandatory each year, or "when we determine that citizens have too much stuff."  
• A new law making it mandatory for each citizen and organization (except those needy corporations, banks and financial institutions) to hold quarterly bake sales, with all proceed again going directly to the Treasury. Non citizens will be exempt from this new law. Each quadrant of the country will be assigned a type of baked good to be produced and sold. An Obama spokesperson stated, "We do not yet know what area will be baking which goodies, except for New England, which will bake only fruit cakes."
• Changes to the tax laws letting the Obama administration determine the definition of "rich" to be anything they want it to be, and be able to change that definition at their discretion. Anyone defined as rich will have their taxes raised to 99% of all income. No deductions, and no exemptions except for members of the House and Senate, and members of the Obama Administration – who will be exempt from all taxes and all new laws passed in perpetuity. An additional change will define as poor all people not defined as rich, and require that they pay no taxes for anything – federal, state or local – ever.
• Changes to mortgage lending laws making all people defined as poor eligible for a mortgage not to exceed $1,000,000. These people will be required to each pick one person defined as rich to pay the mortgages for them. New debtor prisons will be created to house those rich people who fall more than 30 days behind on their assigned payments on mortgages for poor people. 
• The creation of a new agency, the Housing, Banking, Baked Goods and Garage Sale Agency (HBBGGSA). The secretary of this new agency will be added to the cabinet. Michelle Obama is rumored to be the pick,. President-elect Obama said, "Michelle is uniquely qualified for this new post, as she had a highly paid patronage job in Chicago, and she makes really good chocolate chip cookies."

More details will be available as soon as those in the media who can read complete the perusal of the new policy tome.

President-elect Obama summed up his approach to solving the economic malaise, "We are basically going to take all the money there is and give it to these terribly needy corporations, banks and other financial institutions because they need it, they asked really, really nicely, and because it is the best way we can find to spread the wealth. Not only will we take all the money there is now, but all the money there will ever be." Several reporters in attendance swooned at his statement, and others reported feeling weak in the knees.

President Bush, who has been responsible for everything bad that has happened in the world in the last eight years, when asked his feelings about Obama’s plan, stated, "Frankly, I am going back to Texas and let y’all figure this one out."

In a related story, the US Mints around the country all reported overheating problems with their printing presses. Said one press operator, "We been runnin’ these things ‘round the clock lately, and they tend to heat up, especially when we print so many of these here hundred dollar bills."