Accepting your teen's friends, and knowing when to intervene

July 9, 9:43 PMMinneapolis Parenting Teens ExaminerLanae Paaverud

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It's a challenge most of us face at least one time, not approving of our child's friend, or group of friends.

When our children are at a younger age, toddlers to elementary school, we can have great influence on whom they see, and ultimately who may become their best friends. But as they get older we see them less, and they become more independent. It is part of the maturing process, and picking friends is part of that process. We may still want to jump in, but knowing how and when is key.

One thing to remember is that many issues or childhood habits that may bother you are quite minor in the big picture of life.  Over the years I think many people have become more open minded if a teenager does something off beat, or has an annoying habit.  What if it is one of your child's closest friends?  It is best to keep open communication, and talk to your child about the friends issue that is bothering you. Maybe there is another side or aspect you were unaware of. And maybe your child was unaware themselves. 

Of course all of this depends greatly on the issue. If it is something dangerous or illegal you must take a harder stance...for the safety of your child. Many times your child may actually take that message and try to discuss the concerns with their friend. Nobody likes to see a friend take the wrong path. On the lighter issues, such as clothing, hair, piercings, speech, etc, try to let them go. It's still ok if you want to discuss it with your child, but don't make it accusatory. 

A good point that Dr David Walsh (Author of 'No: Why Kids of All Ages Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It.') makes is that "forbidding friends can backfire". Your child may continue to see that friend and delve into the behavior or habit you don't like themselves. More of his interview can be seen here on WCCO news 'What To Do If You Don't Like Your Child's Friends'

In the end the best thing to do is focus on your own child's behaviors and habits. Bring them up to be positive role models to their peers and younger children. Hopefully their good habits and behavior will be the one that many of their friends emulate.