Internet safety- Surf safely for your family's emotional health

January 5, 8:18 AMDC Family ExaminerRisa Sanders

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Mental health experts warn about a potential new addiction, or at the least, dependence: the internet.The signs and symptoms are similar to those for gambling or substance abuse, and include, among others:

•  signs of distress that include the need for increasing amounts of time on the internet to achieve a feeling of satisfaction;
• symptoms of withdrawal when access to the internet is blocked;
• a negative impact on social, recreational and/or occupational activities; and,
•  risking the loss of important relationships, career, or educational opportunities

 Experts in the field still disagree as to whether or not this is a true "disorder" and debate continues. However, when the updated DSM-V is published (the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), a proposal has been made to include a new diagnostic code, called Pathological Computer Use. No decision on this yet.

Still, just think about your own reactions and coping responses the last time you experienced computer problems. How did it impact your mood and behavior?  Last year when my hard drive crashed, it felt like a death and I grieved.I literally went through the stages of shock, denial, anger, bargaining, etc;  I know how frustrated I've been when I couldn't get "online" because my ISP server was down and the minutes ticked slowly by. The frustration I've felt when I couldn't get a wireless connection and how frantic I got when the battery died on my Blackberry a few weeks ago and I had to wait a couple of days for a new one.. Can you relate?

While no one disputes the incredibly powerful benefits of this extraordinary tool, there are dangers. Parents tend to think of internet danger primarily in terms of predators. It is true that tens of thousands of sexual predators are prowling the world wide web at any given point in time. While parents are becoming savvier, and schools are doing a better job at teaching internet safety strategies,  a 2001 Dept. of Justice Survey identified that 1 in 5 children who are between the ages of 10-17, receive unwanted sexual solicitations online. A 2004 Journal of Adolescent Health article states that 76% of victims of Net-initiated sexual exploitation cases were 13-15, and 75% were girls.

 An excellent website, WebWiseKids, lists a number of statistics that parents should be familiar with, including the following: A Cox Communicaiton survey of teen behavior online found that 64% of teens post photos or videos of themselves online, while more than half (58%) post info about where they live. Females are far more likely than male teens to post personal photos or videos of themselves (70% vs. 58%) (Teen Research Unlimited. "Cox Communications Teen Internet safety Survey Wave II," March 2007). Also worrisome was a study that found "among teens active in social networking sites, 61% post the name of their city or town, 49% post their school's name, 29% post their email address, and 29% post their last name" (Lenhart, Amanda and Maddox, Mary. "Teens, Privacy, and Online Social Networks - How Teens Manage their Online Identities and Personal Information in the Age of MySpace." April 18, 2007).

 So, we know that dangers exist and parents must remain vigilant and continue to revisit the topic of internet safety with their kids. See the "statistics" page of enough.org/inside.php (Enough is Enough) for a highly detailed list of some more very interesting statistics.

 However, the most frequent danger appears to be related to access to, or confrontation by, internet pornography. According to internet-filter-review.com, the average age of first exposure to internet pornography (which tends to be far more graphic than your Dad's old Playboys, and horrifyingly, often involves children and other deeply disturbing images) is 11 years of age!  Research is showing that the more kids are exposed to online pornography, the younger they tend to be when they become sexually active. Furthermore, children report finding these images disturbing and may receive unsolicited sexually explicit material they are unprepared to deal with.

There are other, very real problems as well. Examples include:

•  Cyberbullying
•  the lack of adequate opportunities for social skills development because of the isolation of excessive gaming, as well as the lack of opportunity to develop age-appropriate social skills through the give and take of face to face conversation
• decreased attention span due to the expectation of immediate information gathering and instant responses through IM and email
• the lack of an understanding of appropriate boundaries secondary to participation on social networking sites (MySpace, FaceBook, etc;) which often elicits online behavior that can sometimes become exhibitionistic or exploitive, and
•  financial problems stemming from online gambling or virtual lifestyle sites where players use credit cards to make actual purchases (using credit cards) for avatars (virtual, not "real") characters they create on the site

 I recently attended a conference, where the speaker, Andrew Levander, M.A., M.A.C, a therapist specializing in addiction disorders, said that "MySpace is the ultimate teen hangout. It's the new mall". He spoke at length about the genuine distress many kids (and adults) feel when their access to the internet is restricted and  remarked that "real relationships are the antidote" to the excessive computer time many kids, and adults, are involved in. The difficulty is that the computer has become a substitute "friend" for many people and they become increasingly isolated because of it. A vicious cycle ensues.

This piece can't begin to address all of the many, complex issues and concerns. However, in the workshop I attended, Mr. Levander encouraged each family to have a "media sobriety" checklist.  At a minimum, various experts in the area of internet safety seem to agree that :

• The computer ought to be in a family area of the house
• Be VERY alert if your child quickly minimizes the page they were viewing when you come near, and if the internet history pages are deleted. Be alert that most teens are more savvy about the conputer than we are. Their deception skills often go far beyond this. A good antidote is to keep the lines of communication open, stress internet safety, be vigilant, and learn how you can monitor their safety usage
• Sign a pledge with your kids and keep it next to the computer reminding them they will absolutely never meet someone in person they have met online without telling their parents, that mom or dad will come along ,and that it will be in a public place
•  This agreement should include never giving out personally identifying information about home or school without parental permission
• An action plan, or strategies for dealing with any messages that create discomfort or involve bullying should be established. Kids should know that they should not reply to any message that makes them feel uncomfortable. Also, they shouldn't delete it (as important tracking info might be lost). They need to tell you or another adult they trust immediately.
• Credit card numbers should never be used without parental permission
• Remind kids that giving out their phone number is not ok because predators can identify their address via reverse number search. Also tell them NEVER to use a 1-800 number someone on the internet gives them. This is a trick to get them to call so their phone number will be viewed, and their address will be discovered that way.
• Parents need to take a good, long look at their own internet behavior. How much money are you spending online; how many hours are you online; are you neglecting relationships because of your online time?
• Parents and kids need to spend more time with real friends than online or virtual ones
• Remind kids that once they post something on the internet, it's there forever and can be forwarded endlessly. I heard a skilled educator in this area once remark in a training program that, It's a good rule of thumb, for all of us, never write anything in an email, or post anything on MySpace, etc;, that you wouldn't want your Guidance Counselor or parents to see. Remember also that college admission officers and employers are now asking applicants for their MySpace page addresses

There are many good examples of these internet use agreements you can find through your internet service provider, as well as through resources like the ones I have listed under "more information".

Additional strategies for safe internet use include:

• Parents maintaining an open, and continual dialog, with their kids about internet safety. This seems to be the most potent technique. Parents must be armed with facts and keep the conversation going. Don't assume that because your youngsters are now teens that they no longer need to hear from you about this
• Investing in software that monitors and restricts internet use to safe sites
• Encourage activities that will help your child build real and positive relationships with others, rather than avoiding socialization by endless hours gaming, shopping or chatting on the internet 
• Don't ban the internet, but develop rules that help your child develop self-control and self-discipline
• Examine your own internet behavior and be truthful about the amount of time you spend on the computer and your own usage habits
• Consider seeking professional help if your child (or you) is distressed at being unable to use the computer, or if you see it interfering with real relationships, school or work, and, educate yourself about how to supervise your child's internet usage. If you notice your child begins to avoid answering their cell phone or checking their email, evaluate the possibility they are being bullied and take steps to support them and address the situation appropriately

If you enjoyed this article, you may want to read my article on:

"Bullying-how to help kids"

 "How to choose a therapist-Part I "

Authors Note: Please not that this article is not intended as professional advice or counsel and cannot substitute for appropriate assessment and treatment by a qualified provider. This article is for informational purposes only. Thank you.

 FOR MORE INFORMATION:

WebWiseKids has fascinating statistics and educational info for parents as well as very useful and eye-opening info for kids and teens. It also has a hugely helpful Resources page that includes links for products to help parents monitor cell phone text and IMs, as well as law enforcement resources to report cybercrimes, links to internet use agreements, internet filtering software, and more.

More good internet safety resources include GetNetWise , and NetSmartz  (which is part of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children)

TheNational PTA has a newsletter that covered this subject recently

For an extensive list of statistics, see Enough is Enough's website, http://enough.org/inside.php?id=2UXKJWRY8#6

Accountability software (doesn't block sites, but keeps track of them)-an example is Parents CyberAlert (www.itcompany.com/cyberalert.htm; also ComputerCop at www.computercop.com/homeprods.hlml

The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children http://www.missingkids.com/

Contact your Internet Service Provider (AOL, Earthlink, cable company, etc;)  for filtering software (including parental controls)

Use Child Safe Search Engines, like www.askids.com (Ask Jeeves for Kids) and Yahooligans (www.yahooligans.com)

Report sexual solicitation, pornography or other inappropriate content to the CyberTipline, at  http://www.missingkids.com/cybertip/