Bullying-how to help kids

January 3, 4:13 PMDC Family ExaminerRisa Sanders

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Many kids dread the return to school because of bullies.Bullying is a serious, and challenging, problem. It has become much more sophisticated (cyber-bullying) and insidious (the under-radar humiliating and teasing remarks), and current technology, such as cell phones and computers, has made it difficult for some kids to avoid it, even in the safety of their own home. 

 Parents need to be aware, kids need more tools, and the school system needs more bite, to bring this under control.

We all remember bullies from our own grade school days, but the landscape has changed. It isn’t just a  tough kid harassing us for lunch money or giving us a black eye. Bullying today can have far-reaching effects. Some kids are threatened that unflattering images will be posted on YouTube, or damaging gossip is spread like wildfire via IM. Harassment can cause kids to not feel safe using the restrooms at school, or comfortable eating in the cafeteria. Kids may become socially isolated, which can impact school performance and also lead to significant emotional consequences.

Parents should take note if their child suddenly avoids answering their cell phone or viewing their email. They should regularly ask how things are going with kids at school, and whether anyone is bothering them. Pay attention to whether your child feels comfortable going to school, or whether they complain of not feeling well and seem to be trying to stay home or avoid activities. Bullying can lead to school avoidance, depression, and worse.

According to the National Education Association:

• Bullying affects nearly one in three American schoolchildren in grades six through 10
• Eighty-three percent of girls and 79 percent of boys report experiencing harassment
•  Six out of 10 teens witness another student being bullied at least once day

Be watchful for signs your child is being bullied. Keep an open line of communication. Ask how things are going with other kids, or if anyone is bothering them. Be watchful if you see changes in their patterns and habits.Many kids are embarrassed to disclose they're being bullied. They feel it's their fault, and need to be reminded that there is no justification for bullying.

Most resources give similar recommendations:

•  Teach your child how to ignore a bully
• Teach your child how to walk away and to feel they do not have to "prove' anything.
• Teach them strategies such as using humor, changing the subject, walking away, etc;
• Help your child have some zippy comebacks ready so they don't feel as flustered. Rehearsing how to respond can help
• Reinforce your child's strengths and help them understand the bully is the one with the problem, though this is very difficult when kids are hurt by rejection and isolation
• Teach your child not to respond physically (which can land him/her in trouble with school authorities), but to seek help from a responsible adult
• Encourage your child to establish alliances with other children as bullies tend not to approach kids who have friends or other peers with them.Alliances help establish a safety zone for your child, and they also serve as helpful witnesses if necessary.
• Teach your child to say “No” loudly, clearly and firmly, and how to find safety
• Tell your child to report bullying to a responsible adult (guidance counselor, teacher, school administrator, parent, etc;)
• Always support your child and never blame the victim.
• Parents should also be watchful for any bullying behavior in their own child, and insist they apologize and make amends if they have damaged anything or hurt someones feelings
• Kids may blame themselves for being bullied, and they need to know that bullying is never acceptable.
• Talk to your child about what to do if he/she witnesses bullying. Bullying damages everyone- victim, perpetrator and bystander. Kids need to tell someone appropriate if they see this happening. It isn't tattling. Help support your youngster.

However, there are times when all of the above will not deter a bully. At this point, parents may need to take on a more active, advocacy role.

• Parents should contact the school directly and speak to the teacher if the bullying takes place in the classroom
• Some children tend to be the targets of bullies. They have behaviors that attract the negative attention of kids with low self-esteem who need to bolster themselves by picking on others. It is very helpful to try to teach your child more positive ways inf interacting with peers, learning to shrug off the little stuff, to control behavior that may be annoying, etc;. However, it is important your child know that there is no justification for bullying and he/she did not deserve it. Nonetheless, we can all always learn more positive ways of interacting with others and sometimes working on social skills can be helpful
• Work with your child to develop assertiveness and improved conflict resolution skills
• Don’t expect students to resolve all bullying incidents themselves, and discourage your child from responding with physical aggression. That will only raise the risk of greater problems and potential disciplinary proceedings against your child. Some resources say that peer mediation is not recommended between bullies and victims because of the power imbalance in the relationship and that bullying needs to be dealt with through disciplinary channels. However, some school systems will try hard to incorporate peer mediation. Consider the particulars of your individual situation and your child's feelings
• The National PTA has taken a strong stance against bullying and believes that all schools need to incorporate anti-bullying campaigns into their curriculum. Most  local, school PTAs now sponsor anti-bullying programs in the school, so Include your PTA President or Board if you feel you are not making headway with your school administration
• Important- Keep a log of all incidents, who you contacted, the discussion/agreement, the outcome, etc; This will help you feel better, and may serve as a crucial function if you need to escalate the issue up the administrative ladder or provide proof of measures you have taken to try to resolve the matter
• Insist that school personnel provide better supervision in hallways, restrooms, etc;
• Remind your child to safeguard their passwords and never share them, even with best friends. Unfortunately, friends change a lot during the teen years, and that password may not remain safe.Periodically remind your child to follow safe internet practices, and also discuss their rights and obligations regarding the internet.
• Bullying is not a normal part of growing up. Even if a child is bullied because of behaviors that are annoying or disruptive, bullying is NOT a normal and acceptable response
• If the problem persists, work your way up the chain. If the classroom teacher cannot resolve it, speak to the guidance counselors, and if unsatisfied with their intervention, go to the Assistant Principal, Principal, or county school officials if needed. Fairfax County Public Schools offers a list of resources parents might find useful.
• Experts are mixed in their advice about speaking directly to the parents of the bully. There doesn't seem to be a clear, hard and fast, answer. If you know them, or have some sense of what to expect, you might try to reach out to them, and also let them know what the consequences will be if it doesn’t stop (i.e., contacting law enforcement, a civil suit, the phone company, etc;) If you do not know them, or feel uncomfortable, then know your rights and who to call. The National Education Association says that “under Title IX of the Education Amendments of 1992, schools have a legal responsibility to ensure that a non-hostile environment is available to all students.” Obviously, it’s preferable to be able to avoid legal intervention, however, it’s important you know your rights
• Seek help from a qualified mental health professional if you have concerns your child might be depressed, is developing anxiety, and/or needs help developing their social and conflict resolution skills  For guidelines on how to choose a therapist, see my article, "How to choose a therapist-Part I ".
   
  There are many wonderful books and resources available on bullying prevention and correction, and are too numerous to include all of them here. However, a few are included in the box below to get you started.  In particular, the American Psychological Association website serves as a good gateway to current research and treatment data.