Middle school: Helping your child succeed socially

November 8, 6:46 PMDC Family ExaminerRisa Sanders

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Middle school is a very awkward time socially. Some boys look 16, and are shaving, and some look 10. Girls are often towering over the boys in their class and seem years older. Some kids are already "dating" and others still think that's "disgusting". As part of my continuing series of helping kids flourish in middle school, this article deals with social issues. As I've said before, middle school goes by in a blur. Just when you've learned your way around the halls, it's time to move on. Parents often complain that they no longer know their children's friends and feel left out of their children's lives for the first time. In addition, friendships often run hot and cold, green shoots of first love appear, and hormones are bubbling

As part of my continuing series of helping kids thrive in middle school, this article addresses Social Factors, which often consume far more administrator time than academic ones at this age.

Bullying is a significant factor in middle school; middle schoolers are very vulnerable to what others think of them and "group-think" exerts a powerful impact; a kids' "uniqueness" is not always well regarded, and self-esteem is fragile during this period. This is an emotionally turbulent time, which can interfere with more logical and rational problem-solving. However, it is also a time when teens are beginning to consider long-term consequences. The middle adolescent is beginning to make their own plans, and the desire to be part of "the group" and to accumulate friends intensifies.

What you can do to help:

• Stay involved, but don't be a hovercraft. Be available, make sure you know who your teen is chatting with, texting, and emailing, where your teen is, and who they're with. Parents need to stay in touch with one another. While you don't want to be intrusive, supervision is necessary.
• Kids this age have wildly varying levels of emotional maturation. Many intellectually accelerated students are emotionally immature. Don't assume that because your child is doing well in school that their behavior is socially mature. This is an age when even kids who are considered "nice kids"  may engage in prank calls, name-calling, ostracism and acts of vandalism and theft in order to be "popular". Be attentive to what your child does when he/she gets together with their friends.
• Insist on safe Internet usage, but also recognize the essential pull towards independence. Establish ground rules for internet usage, including Facebook and other social networking sites. Familiarize yourself. Don't stick your head in the sand.
• Don't tolerate bullying. Don't permit your child to bully. Seek help for them if necessary. Many bullies were once victims themselves. And, take steps to support and protect your child if they are a victim. If you don't receive satisfaction from the teacher, guidance counselor, or Principal, keep in mind that all FCPS middle and high schools have a school resource officer who is a Fairfax County Police Officer, and they can be invaluable! This is a huge topic in middle school, and the majority of students report being involved in a bullying situation in some way, either as victims, bullies, or bystanders. If your child has a cell phone, and most do, pay attention to how it's being used. Cyber-bullying is a rising crime and carries penalties in more states. See my article on bullying, and the resources in my link boxes on the right--hand side, for more detail on this topic.
• Encourage your child to have friends over so you know whose who, and make sure adults will be supervising events your child attends. Don't assume other parents run their homes the way you do. Make sure a responsible adult is present and available.
• Make sure your child has activities and events in their life that help them develop a healthy sense of identity, and balance out the effects of peer pressure. Support your child's hobbies and interests.
• Encourage your child to join school clubs. Sometimes middle schoolers are reluctant to join, expecially if their friends aren't involved. These affiliations can help build a support system and foster a sense of school identity that can help kids feel a part of the action in a constructive way. It doesn't matter whether it's the school band, dance team, a service club, or robotics. The essential point is joining the weave of the school fabric in a healthy way.
• Volunteer where you can at school. Your involvement sends a positive message to your child, and also helps you feel more in tune with the school "vibe" and to get to know who's who.
• Check Blackboard.com if your school uses it (and all FCPS do) regularly to make sure you know what's going on in the classroom and the school. Speak up if your child's teacher is not keeping current. Kids are still learning about organization and time management. While you want to encourage independence, you also need to make sure things don't go off the rails. Be attentive.
• Maintain an open flow of conversation to help your adolescent share their ideas, worries and thoughts with you. Stimulate them to think about future consequences and goals. Praise them for well planned actions and decisions. Assist them in setting their own goals.Think of yourself as a coach and view your discussions as teamwork to avoid the dreaded lecture approach. Encourage them to think independently.
• Kids this age are quite attentive to issues of appearance, so recognize this is an area of potential sensitivity and offer support and encouragement.
• Consult a licensed, professional therapist if you are concerned.
• Listen to your instincts and seek appropriate help and guidance.

 None of the foregoing is intended as professional advice, and is intended solely for informational purposes.